I'm sorry but Sage... you *are* emotionally superior. Your H is a complete mess. He has chosen his own "happiness" over that of his family's and the children can see he still isn't happy. You are raising smart kids who are in touch with their own feelings. They see this. They have learned to deal with his issues and thank goodness they have always had you to be their rock.
And... your H probably sees some of this too. He may be choosing to express it as "poor me" who will never measure up to Sage, no matter what he does. (boo hoo.) But at some level, no matter what he's telling himself, that he deserves to be happy or he isn't good enough or whatever is the reason du jour... he knows he's f-ing up.
So... some thoughts.
I am having a hard time, knowing you through this board, believing that you are encountering anything you can't handle on your own with your kids. I believe you that they're having a really, really difficult time. I think that is really common and the fortunate thing is that you've developed the kind of relationship with your children that they can actually confide in you-- that, I think, is rare and a testament to what an incredible mom you are. You're getting the real look at what happens in these situations. (And to the extent you're willing to share what those problems are... maybe to the same extent my H's willingness to say whatever popped into his head to me helped others, I think it might help those of us with children who are navigating through all of this to hear how they're feeling and what they're dealing with right now. No pressure, though-- just if you're comfortable.)
So... are these really problems you can't solve on your own? I understand that it might be better to solve them together, but do you think your H is really capable of that right now? He hasn't shown he is able to deal with his own emotions well at all-- my guess is that he might take the kids' difficulties personally and either lash out at them for making him feel bad and guilty or take it out on you (more likely, and sounds like what is happening). How would you handle it if your H was totally acting bonkers right now? What if he wasn't around? I just wonder if it is helpful at all to try to solve these problems together. And/or if a tiny unspoken reason you are bringing these problems to him to solve together is to have the opportunity to connect as parents or to remind him of the consequences his actions are having on innocent parties. (I am fairly sure if I was in your position, being far less enlightened, there would be at least a little bit of that there for me.)
I'm just saying. If he's unhappy and confused and guilty and then he is seeing how devastating his actions are to his own children (which... sit with that for a second and be in his shoes. Can you imagine what you would feel like if you saw your children having such a rough time and knowing it was all your fault? That YOU made a choice and they were bearing the consequences? I truly can't even bear thinking of what that might feel like.). And you are being kind and gentle and non-blaming... perhaps that does come across as morally superior to someone who is feeling extremely guilty and insecure. And read a certain way, you trying to figure out how to communicate all of this to your H in a way that doesn't hurt his precious feelings sounds a little bit like even though you are S, you're still picking up his emotional burden.
Not to say you are trying to be controlling or any of that-- I don't believe that for one second. I am just wondering if there is really any value to these conversations right now, for any of you, even the children. Have you consulted a child or family psychiatrist? if they're really having trouble, it might be better to start that sooner rather than later, and then you'll have a professional third party who can communicate what is needed to your H without you needing to get in the middle.
So, there's my non-enlightened viewpoint on this, today. I'm not feeling especially generous towards any of these Hs.
(((SAGE)))
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
