In hindsight, I am not really sure what my intention was asking that question in the first place. I think I was confused about why he would care about whether or not I am or was straying if he is so dead set on D. Why isn't he more indifferent? He certainly doesn't show me he cares about me in any other ways right now.
We had a really tough conversation about the children tonight. They are not taking the transitions between homes very well and it is impacting school, social interactions and their general well-being. And we are not just talking about run-of-the-mill 'this is hard, but kids will get over it with time' kind of stuff. It's really intense. And these issues are highlighting some of the deep discrepancies in our approaches to parenting and our approaches to life.
The challenge I am facing at the moment with these talks, which are necessary for the well-being of our children, is that they are engraining the narrative H has constructed about me. That I am emotionally superior and he is inferior. That I can manipulate and control. That no matter how hard he tries, no matter how much therapy or self-reflection, that he will never be good enough. So he reacts from this vantage.
The children spend 80%+ of their time alone with me. They have for their entire lives. So I am naturally the parent they go to with their feelings. They love H, but they have always tread carefully around his feelings (good and bad) and of course our current situation just amplified that for them. So I am getting all their raw feelings, they suck it up (sometimes) for the time they are with him, then come home and unload all their pent up emotions on me. Which is fine until I encounter something that I can't solve or deal with on my own.
I try to be gentle and open. I try to begin the conversations in validating, egalitarian terms. I do not think I am superior. I do not think he isn't good enough. I have no interest in manipulation or control. I want what's best for our children, as I believe he does as well.
But I also see how much these conversations are hurting our R and entrenching that nasty narrative. So how do I proceed? Any advice?
