Well, I went and stuck my foot in it again. I had another R talk, and I got my grapes crushed. I just don’t f*ing learn.
Just before a zoom meeting about my son’s schooling, my wife opened her laptop and I saw she was looking up apartments. My heart froze. I asked if they were for us to move (we had talked about an even cheaper place), or for her to move out. She said “either or,” and reiterated that “it’s not a decision to be made lightly.”
After the meeting ended, I couldn’t stop myself from saying, “I don’t want you to move out. I want to improve this.” She said she’s “just looking for options, not making decisions.”
I said “it hurts me to see you in pain. I never wanted to see you in pain. I see you going through this and I want to do everything in my power to help you. I still love you, even though you feel like you’re failing. I still believe in you.”
She said, very calmly, “the problem is, I can only ever be a partner, I can never be a wife.” I said “it doesn’t change how much I love you, it doesn’t change how much I believe in you. And I don’t want you out of my life.”
You guys, I don’t know what I’m doing. With this pandemic, with this situation. My heart feels like it’s being pulled out of my chest all over again. I don’t know whether to have faith or not. She sure sounded definite. I’m failing at DBing. I’m failing at detaching. I’m failing at not bringing up the R. I feel ashamed to post here because of how much I’m f*ing this up. I’m going backward.
