Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" - part 2

[may22]

May22, does this sound like a good start for boundaries?

Hi Tom,
I'm by no means the boundary expert, but let me give it a go.

1) No one-on-one meetings. First, because I might weep and this, for me at least, is not what I want to do. Showing vulnerability and pain is not the way to go according to DB principles; also, I showed her massive amounts of both during the first 90 days after BD, and she was not moved at the time. Finally, there is the matter of her (false) accusation of violence toward her. If I am ever alone with her, without witnesses, she might well claim I threatened her and succeed in getting that restraining order.

OK... so your boundary is that you don't want to see her in person, or you are OK seeing her in person if there are others around? This kind of meshes with #3 as well... and then if you also aren't working things out in writing (#2) and only texting on trivial matters (#4)... how are you imagining you will communicate with her? It seems to me that you simply don't want to see or communicate with her, really, period. Am I reading that right? I think that is a fine boundary. A lot of people find going NC is really helpful for healing and detachment.

If that is really your primary boundary-- that conversing with her in person, on the phone, on Facetime, etc. is painful for you and you are trying to avoid it-- then I might focus on how you can avoid talking with her through any medium as much as possible. There are a lot of strategies discussed here to maintain NC, how to respond to certain types of communication and which types need no response. She'll learn.

I can't recall exactly where you are in the D process and what really needs to be dealt with right now vs. can wait. Do you know what you need out of the D process? Can you talk with your L about how he/she recommends you move forward, with you trying to minimize contact with her? Are there discussions that need to take place by a certain time? How can you structure the interactions that need to happen to protect yourself as much as possible?

2) No working things out in writing, at least for now. Sorry, this boundary is not so much a matter of pain but one of trying, finally, to get some level of control of the settlement process.

So this feels more like a tactic than a boundary. I think it is okay to set this as a tactic, I just wouldn't call it a boundary. (Also wondering what that means for how you might actually get things settled-- you want to do it all through your attorneys, is that right?) Does this also mean you don't want to correspond with her via email at all?

3) No verbal discussions. I am still pretty wounded. That means not over the phone and certainly no facetime.

OK. Easy. Don't call her, don't pick up the phone when she does. If she leaves you a VM you can decide whether or not to listen to it.

4) Texting to coordinate the trivial is fine. When it come to the children, they are all adults and I will let them be the interface.

OK. So, if there are topics you are okay texting with her about, maybe you can figure out what those are and interact with her via text as necessary to work them out. A lot of people prefer email over texting, though, because reading them and knowing they arrived is much more under your control (you decide to check your email) rather than getting an alert on your phone, maybe jarring you out of a good space.

RTC has good suggestions for how to enforce. Let us know how it all goes.