I didn’t break her, and I can’t fix her. That’s another refrain that’s coming up a lot from different sources. I’m finally seeing that.
And also, I came across this gem earlier when looking up self-improvement videos. The coach said that he spent years looking for the breakthrough that was going to define his life. He finally did, but the breakthrough was that he didn’t NEED a breakthrough. He wasn’t broken.
I’m not broken. I think for years I’ve felt like a failure because I couldn’t fix her. I couldn’t make her happy. Just like I couldn’t make my depressed mom happy growing up. I’ve felt broken for a long time. I think it’s time to stop feeling that way.
I have felt broken that she doesn’t want me sexually. That seems to be the worst rejection a man can feel, especially from his wife.
But all the reading I’m doing is about how what we push against pushes back. I’ve been pushing against that rejection, even subconsciously. And against my apparent brokenness, against her unhappiness.
I think I need to start letting go of all of that go. Stop pushing life. Start appreciating the small things as you say - the warmth of a coffee cup, the smallness of my sons hand in mine. The little richnesses of life.
I will pick myself up, dust myself off, and keep DBing.
