Quotes Found on DivorceBusting (11)

[Ready2Change]

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2908032#Post2908032

WAS's have this fantasy in their head about how perfect and smooth everything will go. She fully expected you to agree with everything and rubber stamp it. Anything else is unacceptable to her WAS-polluted mind. Argue even the tiniest point and it sends her ranting and raving. Unfortunately this is life with a WAS. Expect more of this type of behavior. When we talk about "getting off the roller coaster" what we mean is while she rides the ups and downs, you stay off to the side on terra firma. She's all over the place, you are solid and stable. DO NOT let her browbeat you into accepting anything less than a fair settlement. Do your homework. Know what you want. If she screams and gets agitated and waves her arms around then listen and validate, but STAND YOUR GROUND. A lot of people think "validate" means "give her what she wants", no that is not it at all. Validating simply means reaffirming her FEELINGS, not her demands. "You seem upset, I am sure this all must be very upsetting for you, I am sorry you feel that way." "So you'll sign my version then?" "No, I've made changes that I think are reasonable and fair." "YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO HAVE WHAT YOU WANT BLAH BLAH BLAH" Always remember that she should not be allowed to tread on your boundaries. If she yells, then warn her once and then walk away. "I am sorry you are upset but I will not tolerate being yelled at, if you can discuss this calmly then I am willing, but if you yell at me again then we will take a break and discuss this another time."

Here's what my lawyer told me when I was in the stage you're in, whatever precedence's are set in the separation will be HEAVILY considered by the court for the final divorce agreement. And not only that, but I've seen it play out that way too. What you agree to informally CAN AND WILL be used against you later. I've seen men here that wanted 50-50 custody but let their WW coerce them into less, telling them the kids need their mom during this transition or whatever, and that it's just temporary and they will work out the permanent arrangement later. Guess what happens? Months go by and they go to court and the judge says "You've only been seeing the kids every other weekend, why do you think you deserve 50-50 now? You've shown that you are willing to accept the custody arrangement the way it is now, and the court doesn't believe it's in the best interest of the children to upset their schedule." Believe me, the judge won't care one hoot about what promises she made to you before, that falls under the category of "he said she said". The court will consider actions and history, not words and promises.

You're not in the business of placating her. You need to make sure you're protected and the kids are protected. I'm not saying to go for more than you think it fair, but I am saying you need to understand your rights and a lawyer will help you navigate that. Also the divorce process itself is pretty cumbersome and it's not as simple as walking in the court and high fiving the judge and walking out. The paperwork has to be done just so, the process has to be followed, things have to be filed a certain way with certain people, etc. Even if the two of you agree on everything, you still need a lawyer to help you with that.

Hire a lawyer. Inform her that you hired one not to fight her, but just to help with this process. Whether she likes it or not is immaterial. If you decide to build a house you consult a contractor. If you decide to get surgery you consult a doctor. This is no different, you're just consulting a professional on matters you don't have expertise in.

As we tried to review the document she sat in her chair with arms crossed and left the computer on the ottoman as though it was up to me to complete the document. She was basically pulling away showing that she was done with the conversation.

"You look agitated, would you like to continue or would you rather take a break and discuss this another time?"

On several occasions she brought up past conversations.

"We're trying to resolve this separation agreement, we can discuss that if you wish but I would suggest we save that for another time so we can focus on this."

She mentioned that she had begun to make a spreadsheet of items in the house.

Good, that is exactly what the two of you should do. I asked my XW to make a list of the things she wanted to take so we could discuss it. She did exactly that. We agreed on most of it, there were a few things I wanted to keep so I asked her if she was willing for me to buy her replacement items instead since I would have to buy replacements anyway. She agreed to that and we spent a day shopping for furniture which I paid for (we had separate bank accounts our entire marriage).

She made it clear that she was upset that she was disinvited from Thanksgiving, though she didn’t want to go anyways. But she expressed she was upset about that. I believe the same goes for my work dinner Saturday based in her tone.

Just validate, don't argue about it or tell her she can goes if she wants to. "I am sorry you are upset, I can understand why you feel that way."

I stayed calm through the conversation. I thanked her over and over again for the work she had done in the agreement trying to show gratitude.

It's great that you stayed calm, but this isn't the place to show gratitude. If you're trying to appeal to her "words of affirmation" love language then do it about the kids, tell her what a great mom she is and how much the kids enjoy her cooking or help with homework or whatever. Don't thank her for the separation/ divorce.

I tried to listen and validate as best I could. I tried to show gratitude and be calm and gentle as I could. I tried to be strong and not cave. I did say I’m sorry about five times in different spots. It’s so hard to stop when I’m so used to it.

And don't apologize either. Validation isn't apologizing. I mean you can tell her you're sorry she's feeling XYZ, that is different. That's validation, not an apology. You're sorry for how she is FEELING, not for whatever she thinks you did wrong.

I've also given in and called my Doctor to discuss anxiety meds. I didn't want to make that call but between this board and a friend of mine, not to mention my inability to get to work and work, I believe its a good decision. I hate the idea but I can't let this thing get out of control. Really a tough tough call for me. Appointment is this afternoon.

I understand, I felt the same way. But I am very thankful I went to the doc and got those prescriptions, it helped me cope at a time I could not. And it helped me get back to my old self much more quickly.