My heart goes out to both of you. A lot of couples experience this situation in their MR. I can relate with the things your W said to you, about trying to push through with it, and not wanting to hurt you. I remember thinking something must be wrong with me, b/c I was not sexually attracted to my H. I carried the guilt for years, and it finally turned into resentment and blame. It can destroy a MR. He felt completely rejected, and I felt pressured and guilted.
Couples have to have time for romance. Women crave romance. He doesn't have to take her to the most expensive place to have dinner, or have flowers delivered. It's how he interacts with her throughout the day. He shouldn't wait until he wants sex to start flirting with her, b/c she'll know it's just his attempt to get sex. He has to make love to her brain, on a regular basis, instead of waiting until bedtime. And, all women may not want to start out with oral, but build the momentum.
If she has told you the jokes turns her off.........take it seriously! My H would do this "thing" that I hated. I would tell him I didn't like it, but he continued doing it. Now, what kind of sense did that make? Did he think if he continued, that I would eventually like it? I had to get pretty harsh about it, before he finally stopped. I knew he was hurt, and that he couldn't understand my problem with it. The longer a couple goes without those nonsexual touches every day, and intentionally setting aside time to nourish their daily relationship........feelings will fade and the MR will die.
Read the book about the five love languages. Figure out which one fits your W. Her self esteem is suffering, and if she doesn't feel good about her body.......she's not going to feel sexy. I've been there! Start showing your love through her love language. It's a great book.
I see marriages in trouble when both the spouses are career driven, and it takes up most of their time. There is just 24 hours in a day, and when you have an intimate relationship.....it requires time. When you have a child, it requires even more time. So, couples have to decide their priorities and make it work. Unfortunately, I see too many couples putting their MR on the bottom. They are so overworked from their busy lifestyles, is there any wonder their sex life goes south?
I encourage you to read about the differences between male & female, in how their brain works. Don't try to make your spouse more like you, but learn to respect the differences.
I suggest you stop using the toilet in front of her. I don't find it attractive when a man farts in front of his W, or makes crude remarks/jokes. When in public, be careful how you talk to her, about her, and how you interact with her in front of friends/family. Don't make her the butt of a joke, or expose her personal faults, etc. I've seen men do this, thinking it would get a laugh from his friends, but he is digging his own marital grave when he devalues his W. Don't fall into the "one up" game, either.
There is a time to be tender and a time to be firm. I don't know if you are an Alpha or Beta, but reading No More Mr. Nice Guy should help spotlight it. We can talk about this more later, if needed.
The main danger in your MR at this time, is your W not getting her emotional needs met. It leaves her vulnerable. There may not be another guy in the picture, yet, but eventually, she's going to respond to someone who makes her feel special. All these on line apps that are making millions off spouses who have low self-esteem about their appearances, and needing to know others find them sexually attractive.........well, it speaks for itself. Some women don't get involved with a real-life man, but will turn to romance novels and escape into fantasy. Don't laugh when I tell you that it plays on her, b/c she wants to experience this type of romantic passion. Some women fantasize about celebrities, and it goes beyond what you might consider "normal". The celebrity, or fictional character substitutes the mind space that was given to her H. Now, she does some comparing, and the H loses b/c he can't match her fantasy. It has much the same affect on her as an emotional affair.
I'm glad you made the decision to come here. I hope you'll stick around.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
