She lost sexual attraction...

[SteveLW]

Welcome to the board. Sorry you are hear. The good news is that your sitch is much different than most posters' here. Most of us came hear because our S wanted out of the marriage. I am not seeing that here, though you were headed there if you didn't address this problem. I highly suggest you get and read Michelle's book "The Sex Starved Marriage". The good news is that this is one of her few books available digitally! Get it and read it.

I do have a question. I find it strange that you say you are both hedonists, but that sex wasn't that important in your relationship. That seems odd. Are you sure you are both really hedonists, and not that you just like the thought of hedonism? I have never heard the words "sex isn't that important" come from a hedonists lips.

Second. Michelle's SSM book will deal with a lot of this, but usually a woman uses attraction for her husband for 1 of 2 reasons. 1, she has lost respect for him. Or 2, there is no intimacy outside of sex in the marriage. Please tell us more about your life. Who is the main breadwinner? Who handles the bills? Who makes decisions for the family? What is your non-sexual life like? Are you romancing her? Taking her out on dates? Do you engage in fun, light, sharing type of conversations with her? Do you touch her in a non-sexual manner on a daily basis?

I can tell you, as a guy that was in a SSM for years, and used my resentment and hurt to pull back from being a good husband and keeping a connection of a non-sexual intimate nature alive, that not being connected outside of the bedroom is no way to keep a connection inside of the bedroom alive.

What I can tell you also is that with help (good job on the therapy), and looking to become a better husband (and father if you have kids, you mention pregnancy but you don't mention kids). Do not push on there being an OM, the truth has a way of coming out. Back away from this subject with her until therapy starts.

I would encourage you to look up "talk charges" and "touch charges". I think your sitch is a perfect sitch to start trying to incorporate these on a daily basis to start helping with the connection between the two of you. Hold off on date night for now until you get into therapy.

Calm down, relax. This is not the end of the world. Your sitch is no different after this discussion with her than it was before. The only thing that has changed is your understanding of what is going on! That is a good thing. So many of us just continued along in our MR coasting until we got divorce bombed one day. So you are in a much better position than many of us were. So let things go. Do not dwell on it or constantly try to talk about it. Start looking at the small changes you can make. Stop any and all behaviors that do not command respect. Things like video-gaming. So many in your age group spend inordinate amounts of time video-gaming! If that is you stop. If you are a daily drinker, stop that! No one wants to be with someone that is not sober most of their home time. If you are self-isolating (this was my big problem) stop doing that! When you are home be out in the common areas of the home engaging with the rest of the family! If you are wishy-washy on decisions, (another one of my issue) start becoming more decisive. (One of the best examples of this is deciding what and where to eat. Most husbands are "i don't care" in their attitude towards that. Stop that. Say "For dinner tonight let's go to X!" or "tonight for dinner I'd really like Y!")

So two areas of focus for you:

- Start subtely working on your emotional connections with her (see talk and touch charges)
- Stop any behaviors that are not commanding respect and learn how to properly command respect and be decisive (IE learn to LEAD)

Then when you get into therapy you can work on the things the therapist suggests.

My last bit of advice. DO NOT SULK AND BE SAD. But upbeat, pleased, fulfilled, and confident. Nothing is less attractive than a man that goes into "poor me...woe is me" mode.