Confused but committed, Part 2

[SteveLW]

Ok. I’m a little collected at the moment.

I asked her about the alcohol. Of course she felt accused and angry I brought I up, but I maintained that i simply wanted to know because I have a responsibility to make sure the children are safe and I saw what could be red flags. Of course she denied alcoholism and said she didn’t drink much/often. Don’t know that I buy that but I was genial and listened.

I was cool and level headed the entire time, and I validated as much as possible, while owning what came up for me. This is the basics of the conversation:

I said the drinking (and copious smoking) concerned me - not because she can’t make her decisions, but because we’ve been down a dark path before with those coping mechanisms. She said she didn’t drink much, but she did it because she’s horribly unhappy, and she’s unhappy because she in a marriage without trust or nonjudgement (judgement is one of the things I have been shedding like crazy, and it is one of my character flaws.) She then immediately jumped to, this marriage is irreconcilable because the only way it will work is for her to have sex, and she’s never going to do that again.

I’ll note that she goes to that each time I confront her about bad behavior - calling names, slamming doors, swearing at me, and now drinking dangerously. “This marriage is dimmed because I’m never having sex again.”

I responded that I don’t want to have sex with anyone who doesn’t want to have sex with me, so we can put that aside. She said, no we can’t - it’s the major blockage in our marriage. She says she identifies as asexual, and all these years it was her trying to please me because she knows I want it. (I really don’t think I buy that - I think our sex life has been rocky and has rattled her over the years, but I know there’s been interest).

But she said that she’s never going to changer her mind. This was a line in the same moment, so I said the next thing that made sense - ok, then we should part ways.

If it’s the truth, it’s the truth. And if it’s a bluster, it needed to be called. I couldn’t keep saying I’m ok with it.

I didn’t want that moment to come today, but she took it there. It’s been her threat all along, her trump card. So I said, ok, if this is what you want. And I STRESS, this is NOT what I want - I want us both to grow as people and get to know each other as brand new people and grow old together. I still want to be married. But it takes two people to want to be married. So we started to talk next steps, what that would look like (S, what would happen to kids, finances, etc).

I couldn’t t quite believe we were there. I didn’t want to take it there. But she took it there, and I had a responsibility to bring up the drinking.

She went out for a while to think and process. I don’t know what will happen next.

I’m scared and hurt. But not as scared and hurt as I thought I’d be. I didn’t break her. I can’t fix her. She has a lot of soul-searching to do. If she decides she wants the marriage, in whatever form, I am still a husband who loves her. I think I love her unconditionally for the first time.

I’m not looking for anyone else. I will want my wife back. Or rather,I want this new person who my wife has become, and I want her to learn how to be her own person and be happy again.

I still have hope. I still have faith. And I have not ever and will not be cruel, will not hate, will not condemn.

I didn’t want to take the next step. I will not take any further steps toward S or D. But I will support her if she does.

We have been here before (though I was t so strong internally as I am now). She warns this, kicks up a lot of dust, threatens a bunch, and then it goes nowhere. This could be different. Or it could be the same. Everything could have happened, or nothing could have happened.

I love myself, and I love my wife. And my sons. This [censored]. I dread the night, and I dread the loneliness. But I will not give in to hate - I will keep my heart open to love, whatever comes next

Thank you all for being here. Send positive vibes

Hoch, so what were you hoping to achieve by confronting her? I ask you this because I was like you early in my sitch. Anything she did that wasn't normal, or was new behavior, or seemed suspicious, I would confront. And almost always I got my grapes squashed.

You repeated: "I didn’t want that moment to come today," a couple of times. What you need to realize is that anytime you confront her about anything, she is going to "make that moment come". If you had come here before confronting we could have guided you, warned you, and let you know what was likely. My W was the same way. Anytime I confronted her she'd jump to "I am done. I want a D." So you have to expect this. If you find drugs she is taking, confronting likely will result in the same discussion. Sex toys are another big one that sets LBHs back. And causes us to confront and then get the same "I still want a D."

And on the sex thing, my W said the same thing. The truth is that she isn't asexual. This is her way of telling herself that to make herself feel better about what she is doing. "I am never having sex again. It isn't you, it is me." However, the truth is my W was horny as heck, it just was she didn't want to have sex with me because of how she felt about the marriage and our relationship. Likely she is having the same struggle. Wanting sex, but not wanting it with her H. Asexual people don't even bother to bring sex up. So unless you've been pressuring her this is likely her projecting her own sexual frustrations on to you. I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but my W's words were also trying to stay in keeping with our religious beliefs. "I am never having sex again" was based on Ding me and not being free to remarry in the future due to our beliefs on marriage-divorce-and-remarriage. SO sometimes things like that can come into play.

The bottom line is that she is NOT happy. And she is doing things and trying things to make herself happy. You do not have to agree with her methods, but you should understand that is what she is doing. For your W it is drinking and smoking. For my W it was meeting guys on the internet and getting compliments. But regardless of what they try to do, the motivation is unhappiness. Which is something only she can fix!