So, it's been a tough week in life, and that has had a knock-on effect in the marriage. We've both been working really hard at work, and with the kids, and to prepare the house. It's tiring. The weather is awful. We're in lockdown again, without sunshine to get out in, so that's been depressing too. I think we've both been doing our bit, but I know what H needs to replenish himself is solitude, and what I need is connection. Each night this week he's gone to bed early, on his own, often after us making a plan that I was going to give him a massage, or he'd give me one. I didn't grumble, and I tried my best to assume he was just exhausted, rather than being dishonest or withdrawing from me. This weekend we'd decided to take the kids out to the countryside for the day, but he was exhausted and critical and grumpy - everything from parking the car to the mud on the pathway. I did towards the end of the day gently say something along the lines of 'you've only spoken in the last four hours to criticise and complain, can you just let up a bit?' and he gave me a catty response, which I ignored. He did start up when we got home - lots of moaning about how much laundry and cooking he has to do (about half of the work, I'd say, and I work full time too, though my job is less physically demanding) and there's little point in engaging with him when he's like this - so I just avoided him.
Later on he was in a better temper, and we got to bed. He was awkward and reluctant and I never know in these circumstances if I should just accept this is his best and get on with it, or have a bit of self respect and not allow myself to go along with it when he's clearly not really into it. I think this is why I feel dread: there does not seem to be a way I can respond to his advances, such as they are, without getting at least one of us into a bad situation. He also has a very very very long history of being dishonest about what he wants or needs (in bed and out of it) then getting angry and resentful when I haven't been able to understand that 'no, you go to the office and catch up on work and I will take care of the cooking' actually means 'I'd rather be on my own playing video games this afternoon and I want you to take care of the cooking so I can do that'. That's on him, but it does mean that it is difficult for me to feel safe taking his initiation at face value, when often it turns out he's just been reluctantly doing his duty. Then if I accept his advance or decline, it causes bad feeling, and if i initiate he most often turns me down, which causes more bad feeling.
I am not sure that finding a code to indicate that he or I am interested in sex is going to work - he does indicate an interest and gets flirty with me sometimes. But if I take him at face value he often gets irritated at feeling pressure to 'follow through' and if I just smile and let it go over my head, he tells me I am rejecting his initiations and that I am impossible. The whole thing feels so tangled and tense that maybe taking it off the table entirely for a while is a better technique, but I am not sure how that moves us forward to where I want to be, and where he says - honestly or not, I don't know - that he wants to be. I do know in our most honest conversations that both of us has said the way it is causes us a lot of sadness, and we both feel very criticised and like the other feels like there's something wrong with them. So that's a sad thing that is difficult. I know that he often assumes that I am angry with him when I am not, and reacts accordingly - and there's nothing much I can do about that but it is very wearing to live with. He seems to consider me saying, quietly (and not in ear shot of the kids), 'can you let up on the criticism and complaining a bit?' confrontational and aggressive. I don't accept that - and I do think he's so incredibly sensitive that he considers, at times, anything but utter approval and praise a personal attack - and that's on him too.
But I did say that I would concentrate on the positive. So - he did calm down and get himself out of his bad mood this weekend pretty quickly, and it didn't escalate to either an argument or days and days of silence and sniping. I was better than I normally am at not getting needy and anxious and fearful in the face of his bad temper, which helped de-escalate everything. He's working today and went off in pretty good temper, and most days this week when he's been at work he's been texting me to check in on me and hoping that things are going okay. I've been doing the bulk of admin and dealing with tradespeople and estate agents and stuff regarding the house sale, and that's been hard on me, but he's also been really careful to acknowledge it, and the stress it puts me under, and how grateful he is for me doing it. I'm a bit anxious about where we will be with house sales, and lockdown, and everything like that - the future feels very hard to see at the moment - and most of the time he's been very calm and patient and reassuring. I've seen his fun side a bit more, especially with the kids, which is so attractive to me and which wasn't a part of our daily lives for years.
