Thought I should start a new thread as I had reached 10 pages.
Got back from my visit with TDH late Tuesday night. Had a great time. The weather was beautiful. TDH and I wandered around his community and did some Christmas shopping. He’s like a lot of men I know and tends to do his shopping on December 24th so this was a new experience for him. I met both kids and his ex. We had planned to spend time with his S11 (which we did and it went well) but my meeting his ex and daughter was quite by accident as we ran into them at a shopping centre. She was outwardly friendly. His D9 seemed excited to meet me. TDH said she had been mad when she found out her brother was meeting me that night and not her so she was happy we ran into them. I couldn’t help but notice that TDH seemed happy about it too. We were all wearing masks but eyes are pretty easy to read. She looked a bit surprised whereas he looked a little pleased with himself. I get it. Nothing like finding happiness after being devastated by a cheating spouse - especially when their Plan A didn’t work out the way they wanted. I think he felt a bit vindicated. Later on that evening, she passive aggressively changed the plans. Originally she was going to drop S11 off but we ended up having to go pick him up. I didn’t mind but TDH thought it was in reaction to her meeting me because these were plans they had made the day before and she had no real reason to change them. When we went to get him, I also met his two nephews (adorable little blond boys dressed up in the cutest costumes) and his ex’s sister who was quite friendly.
Had an “incident” with XH. Got a text from him on Monday saying he was about to have a talk with D12 about her rude behaviour at the diner table and that I would probably hear about it. Just after reading this, I got a text from D12’s friend’s dad who asked if I had a couple of minutes. He said he had intercepted a disturbing text from D12 to his daughter that he thought I should know about. She had texted her friend that her dad had grabbed her head at the dinner table and forced her to look at OW and that he hadn’t warned her and she was “a bit scared”. So..I texted XH and told him that I had received a disturbing text about him and D12 and that we needed to talk face-to-face when I got back. Shortly after, my phone rang and it was him. First time in almost two years that we have talked on the phone...texted, yes, but never a phone call. Anyway...we talked about it. He said that I had to know he wouldn’t hurt our kids. I, of course, said that I didn’t KNOW anything about him anymore and that I didn’t think he would based on the 13 years we were together BUT he also lied to me for years so I really have no idea. And that wasn’t me being difficult, it’s just the reality. He was pretty upset but also reasonable. The bottom line is that he can’t put his hands on our kids if he is angry...no exceptions. I also FaceTimed D12 and she was okay. She said she and her dad worked it out. Her dad told me that she said I “hit her all the time” so we clarified what is a tap on the leg to get her attention or on the shoulder out of jest and what is actually hitting/abusing someone and how people would interpret her saying that I hit her. She looked a little shocked...lol. Anyway...suffice it to say she won’t be saying that anymore. I then FaceTimed S12 who witnessed the “incident’ and he told me that D12 was being really rude and had been treating everyone like crap for weeks and they were just sick of it. Sound familiar Ginger?? He didn’t think she was hurt...just surprised. S12 is super sensitive so I know if he thought his sister was being abused in any way, he would tell me. D12 is back home and seems like her normal cheerful self (with the odd moody period) so hopefully this whole thing is behind us and lessons have been learned.
Got a text from first XH last night. It said I had been on his mind and he just wanted to see how I was doing. He has been checking in with me fairly regularly since XH and I split. I’m trying not to read anything into it but it is odd...after all these years. We’ve always held each other in high regard but this seems a bit different. I get the impression that if I told him I wanted to try again, he’d be all for it. He’s a great guy but I have no romantic feelings for him whatsoever so it would never happen. That was a different time...a different life...a different me. There is no going back. I feel bad for him though. His life hasn’t gotten better since we split. He remarried and has been separated from her for at least ten years. She won’t give him a divorce and he doesn’t have the money or energy to force one. She has the house and he pays her so much every month that he can’t afford a place of his own so he lives with his parents. His job doesn’t pay a whole lot and he doesn’t have benefits so no pension other than what the government gives out. And no savings either. He’s 55 so doesn’t have a lot of time to work with. Eventually I think they will sell their house. Hopefully he will get his 50% of the equity but she may try to find a way to screw him out of it and he isn’t the type to put up a big fight.
Also a hiccup with TDH this weekend. Nothing dramatic...just something I have to think about. TDH and I have the same values when it comes to relationships and family. He’s incredibly loyal, honest, loving, thoughtful, etc.... all the things I want in a partner. However...we see things very differently when it comes to politics and world issues. I am not a political person by any means so this doesn’t come up very often. But it comes up a lot more these days given the climate we are living in currently so I am aware that it seems like a bigger deal now than it normally would. I wouldn’t say TDH is a political person either...it is more that he is almost apolitical in that he thinks all politicians are corrupt and is a couple steps away from being a conspiracy theorist - one is just as bad as the other. I have more faith in humanity than that and I do think that some are better than others. I think Donald Trump is dangerous whereas he thinks he is entertaining. The one thing I have to admire about him though is that when these things do come up, he’s totally calm and it doesn’t bother him whereas I get pretty irritated. He doesn’t get why. He says he accepts that I believe what I believe and he thinks I should do the same. For the most part I do but there are just a couple things that make me shake my head because they are so out there. I also know that my family would be in the same boat as me and he has already had a run in over with with my BIL who is the smartest person I know. TDH said he learned his lesson in that regard (BIL can intellectually run circles around most people - he has an amazing memory for facts and he NEVER loses an argument) and I shouldn’t worry about it because he knows how to hold his tongue. He also says he worked it out with BIL the next day and apologized because he didn’t realize how strongly BIL felt about what they were talking about. So the question is... can you have a long term relationship with someone who has the same values as you but has some (not all) different beliefs? XH and I had the same beliefs but very different values and look where that went. And everything else with TDH is soooo good so on the odd occasion this comes up, it seems really stupid that it bothers me. IDK.
