I do have a question for former WWs and LBS that have R after EAs/PAs. How long did it take between the WW/WAS initiating NC and moving through A withdrawal until a firm commitment was made to R?
That answer will vary b/c everyone doesn't progress at the same speed, and for some, there are additional issues that might extend the time........like mental health problems, etc. I was blessed to have the cream of the crop mentoring to me. When I first arrived here on the board, I think my A had ran about nine months. I can't remember exactly how many months in total that it took to cease the A withdrawals after NC. The first 4 - 6 months were the worst, but it took several months total. Keep in mind, I was here every day getting fed what I needed.
At that time, we could also email our mentors, so I was getting a lot of emotional support off the board. I was very depressed, and had no energy or desire to put any effort toward my MR. My mentors had stressed the importance making the commitment to my M, and I honestly didn't feel that I could. In other words, I felt much like your W probably feels now, and I felt it was a death sentence! Sorry, just being honest. Anyway, I did go NC, weathered through many months and still had no desire to work on my M. You see, I think maybe LBH's believe that once his W ends her A, her feelings for him return and they go from there. It's just not that easy.
It took me two years, after NC, before I felt remorse for what I had done to my H. Bear in mind, I was being mentored all that time. I was learning from LBS's about the devastation they experienced. It helped me to look through my resentment to see my H. I had to reach a place where I completely accepted responsibility, and could forgive my H for not meeting my emotional needs in the past. How could I be forgiven, if I wouldn't forgive him? So, women who are not getting that type of guidance and feed back........causes my hope for them to dim. They are not here, so I tell LBH's. They need a source to inform them of what to expect, and explain why they are experiencing certain emotions, what they need to do, etc. I was not in contact with OM during those two years, but I was keeping the fantasy alive in my head by dreaming of how different my life might have been, etc.
It was a slow work in progress. One thing I did do that I believe is critical........I intentionally conducted myself in a way to show respect for my H. I understood that I could not feel sexual attraction for my H, if I did not respect him as a man. So, I worked hard on my attitude, speech, body language, facial expressions, and over-all actions. At first, the feelings of admiration were not there, but eventually, the feelings came to match the action.
Curtis, the circumstances in which your W returned to the home, is not ideal by any means. I don't think the LBH should agree to her return, if she wants to have separate bedrooms. They don't have to be sexually intimate, but they most certainly need to share the marital bedroom. Your W is the betrayer and she's returned on her own terms. She's calling the shots about the relationship, and I've not seen that to prove successful during the time I've been here. Asking her to go to bed with you? No, you aren't going to get very far with that approach, b/c you are too thankful to just have her under the same roof. She KNOWS you are willing to take whatever conditions she gives, b/c you want the security of her physically under the roof. In her eyes, it devalues you as a man.
Here's the thing, a lot of guys get confused about their idea of a what it means to be a good H. Of course, women want a good H, don't get me wrong......but she craves a man who is stronger than her and who will take none of her crap. She's already fulfilled the top three things you said were your greatest fears, so how do you think she sees you now that she's done all of that and you're just so happy to have her staying in the guest bedroom, cramming her things in the bedside table? That behavior alone, tells me she doesn't plan to do anything to indicate she's there permanently. No matter what b.s. she gives, she is not back for you or the MR. I would go as far to say she's not back for the sake of her children, although that's the story she'll give.
So, I'm afraid you are in for more uncertainty, and years of no intimacy. This woman wants a lot of male attention, but she doesn't want you. She looks to men to feed her ego, b/c she is afraid of losing her youth and beauty. I went through some of that myself, and that led to an A. You could tell her how beautiful she is till you turn blue, but due to her unhealthy mindset, it doesn't count if it's her H saying those things. She wants admiration from other men, to validate her.
You need to figure this out, Curtis, and decide what you will tolerate the rest of your life. She has gone through three men, that you know about, and who knows how many EA's. This woman has not finished behaving like an unmarried lady. It's heartbreaking to read your posts, b/c you remind me of my own H in many ways. You are a good man, treat people right and have the patience of Job.........but it doesn't attract your W, due to her own mindset. She is taking advantage of the security you provide during these scary days. That's what she does. Takes advantage of you! You can't talk her back and you sure can't nice her back. She's in a mental place that your niceness doesn't reach. My guess is she'll need lots of therapy before she returns to being anywhere close to the woman you loved as your W. She has issues that have nothing to do with you, but the outcome affects you. She's got to figure that stuff out, and you can't do it for her. So, make up your mind what you are willing to settle for........b/c that's all you've done at this point, just settled for what few crumbs she throws. You've hinged all your hope to her snapping out of this "whatever", and seeing the light of day. Whenever a woman is scared like OM scared her the night his car showed up at your place, and then she still wants to contact him "b/c she cares about him".........she's messed up!
I know LBH's come here looking for hope. However, I think that kind of hope prevents them from being objective and applying tough love where needed........b/c they are in this fog of hopefulness. That's why you've held on to the dream all this time. Could it happen? IDK, but I'm pretty sure it won't be like you thought or hoped it would be, nor happen anytime soon. In most of the successful cases I've witnessed, it occurs after the LBH decides he isn't going to just "settle". He let's go.
I knew when you asked how long it took some of us, you were trying to decide how long you could wait around to get a little affection or some positive sign from her. I'm sorry. I really am sorry for you. ((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
