I'm so happy to be following along with you guys again. I've missed this community. And it hurts so much less to be here now as we're finding our footing.
So to answer the things you've posed.
Originally Posted by Sage4
Do you think that part of this is H's fear of hurting you further? Do you think that maybe he is trying to protect you and fiercely guard his M with you right now? That maybe he is capable of recognizing the why's, but just not able to do so out loud for fear of what it may bring up?
I don't really know what the hiccup in the giddy up is with this. I'm sure hurting me is a factor. When we talk and we are actually really digging in he gets very upset when I cry. He can't handle making me cry. He's made comments about how I never really cried in front of him when he was so terrible to me except maybe once or twice, but re-hashing things makes me cry and if that's the case maybe we should find a different way to move forward. I explained that I cry now because I've allowed him to see me cry. That I've invited him in, and this is what comes with it.
When we discuss the why he kind of sticks with "I lost sight of you. I lost sight of us." Which is lovely, but it's why got to the A not why he let the A happen and why he kept pursing it. He feels like he was struggling with our marriage and my depression and letting go completely of his old life. We had been phasing out all things of our old lives and bringing in things that we chose together. Our home was a mish mosh of our two whole lives as separate little families we had been working toward a home of ours, apparently trying to get rid of his old recliner awakened some last gasp of who he was. All that made him think that I was mean, and parenting him, and negative all the time. He now realizes (without me having to tell him) that he created that dynamic. That he refused to understand my depression. That he completely checked out and left me to run the household, do all the parenting, and carry our relationship well before the affair and I was clearly becoming more and more unhappy and resentful and not being quiet about it. (Ironically enough though I was quiet about A LOT, I just wasn't quiet about everything). He can see now that while dealing with grief and my depression he abandoned me emotionally long before he entered the A, but he kept telling himself it was my fault not his. He now has realized that he was the one making the situation worse for both of us not me. That I was doing the best I could but under the weight of everything he had unloaded on me it looked like I wasn't really doing anything. He kept letting himself believe that narrative until...he started seeing me go out and be happy, have a great time with my friends, smile ear to ear without him. Seeing me lose weight and get my hair and nails done because I had time to go to the gym and the salon while he was guilt cooking for the kids or taking them out to dinner. He started to realize maybe it wasn't me making him unhappy but him making me unhappy. Which then circles us back to the why of why he leaned back in.
I don't know why he or we can't just get to the heart of the A. He could've left. He could've asked for a divorce. He didn't have to have that A to reach his goal which was clearly set before the A even started. He could've stopped before the EA became a PA. Especially now that I know how little physicality was involved why even cross that line. My god, the man had to get pills because his junk wouldn't work with her. (BTW I've never had that issue with him, never) He could've stopped at the PA and not leave and turn back then. He could've dumped OW first. But none of that happened. There's more here than he doesn't want to hurt me, but as I write this I think I might know what it is. Far less toxic than not wanting to be wrong but still a little sad, I think he doesn't want to dig into that because it makes him look stupid. Because I've given him the space to not have to be 100% remorseful I think he's ok with being wrong, but he's still not ok with being the one who really was the fool here. I'll have to chew on that a bit and figure out how we can get past that to get to the last why I'm holding out for.
Originally Posted by may22
The overreaction to the girls acting up, going straight to 11, blaming the behaviors on me coddling them... NUTS. Although I'm also realizing that I jump immediately to the defense when this happens, assume he's blaming me, when if I listen carefully that isn't always what is happening. How are you handling this stuff when it comes up? I know it is tense and the children are involved. Also, the deep deep insecurities you mentioned on Sage's thread.
So with this my H is blaming me. He'll come out and say it. That's the sticking point. When things pop up since we've had the first big fight about it it's been a little easier to stop him in his tracks. Honestly I'm not stopping him in the most healthy ways yet. I'm still jumping in and at him like a misbehaving dog, I typically divert with a loud "Hey" or "Enough." Typically followed by either "is this really how you want to do this?" or a "I'm sorry, but I'm not understanding why this involves yelling." He's receptive. I know it's undermining him in a way, but I'm not fixing his messes. I'll give him the opportunity to correct it's up to him if he's going to or not. He very well could get mean, start fighting with me and escalate the situation but he doesn't. Maybe we can come up with a better solution in the future, but I'm hoping he'll just start correcting himself and I can be done with this entirely.
Originally Posted by may22
Just a small push, though, to not write your future today. I had my second daughter at 37 and know plenty of women who had children at 39 and 40. (three were on the table for us, we decided against it, but I would have been 39 or so had it happened.) Not to say that is the right path for you, but don't write it off as ridiculous quite yet.
Or, maybe after having had your first so young this is now your opportunity to travel and sleep in and do all the things that you didn't do in your twenties as a young mom, except now you have more money and sense and can do it all waaaaay better than your 20 year old self could, and this time with your H by your side.
So I don't think having babies later in life is ridiculous I do think though us having a 20 year old and a 19 year old and a baby is. I wanted to start 3 years ago. When the large gap was at least a little less expansive. And if one of us had never had children I think I could reason it out better. Like my childhood friend. She's never had kids. Her H has 2 from a previous relationship. Like her mother did when she married her step-dad. I think the whole thing would've been more reasonable. And I feel bad for being angry about something I wasn't even sure about any more before the A happened. At this point I'm battling the concept of having a baby and getting to do things the "right" way for the first time in my life. Being excited about a positive pregnancy test. Making a nursery. Not feeling guilty registering for a shower. Raising a child with someone who, I don't know, loves me, and is a good and invested father. I missed all that. But I also missed all what you said too May. I missed out so much of the fun stuff people do in their 20s. Traveling is a huge one. I would love to see and do things I never had the opportunity to do. But like I said that's something IC and I are working through right now. Helping me find the path I really want.
Originally Posted by may22
Anyway, just to say... you have every right to be angry with your H for taking away the past year, and the security and all the rest. Feel it, own it, let it all wash over you. But you are in charge of you and if there are big things you really want to do with the next 40 plus years of your life... make them happen and drop the word "ridiculous" from your vocabulary about anything you want to do, unless it is ridiculous in a fun way.
I do need to try to drop ridiculous from my vocabulary regarding my future. You are so right about that. I'm just at a cross roads still. Just not with my marriage as much as I used to be. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up and while I like my master's program I don't know if this is what I really want to do with the rest of my life. It's just what prudent. I don't know if I want a baby or if I want to enjoying bein a 40 year old empty nester. I don't know if we even want to stay in the city we're in. All of this stuff has really pushed me forward in examining all aspects of my life. Now I just need to start making decisions.
