Fierce compassion, equanimity, integrity #2

[cardinal]

One of the things getting me through is DnJ's <barf>. It made me laugh, but that is what I want to write over and over today: <barf>. I'm filled with rage again—it started out as adrenaline, then fear, and then I woke up with all of that having been replaced by anger. It seems I spend a lot of time lately either laughing or feeling angry, shooting back and forth between both impulses. It is kind of funny: apparently according to H and L I've been having sex with other men (throughout our M? I'm not sure when in his mind this was happening). Total BS. He, of course, is the one who happily told me about his OW months ago. It's ridiculous. It's maddening. In H's mind there is no community property I am owed. Um, this is why there are laws in place? Maybe he should've gotten a prenup if he wanted to keep everything separate over a 10-year M? Yet I'm not comforted, like I used to be, in thinking any judge would of course see that he's just trying to avoid responsibility. I mean, look at Gerda's example! (Gerda, the cereal bowl is just... wow. I don't even know what to say about your latest update. Also--I don't think my L was saying it wasn't worth it to get H out of the house, but that trying to do that with some order from the court would most likely cost a lot of $ and would likely not work.)

Ask the lawyer what you're entitled to. Ask to have stbx pay legal fees. Go for absolutely everything you are entitled to and settle for what makes sense to you, knowing that post D your stbx could and may not honor any agreements. You've been married over 10 years. You are entitled legally. It's not his decision, it's the law's.

I am trying to keep my head here, bttrfly. As job said, too:

The law will state exactly what needs to be done and how it's done.

But I keep fast-forwarding to worst-case scenarios, then becoming angry that the law can't just step in early on and save us all a lot of money and time; it feels as if I am punished for asking for what I am entitled to. I have to jump through all these expensive hoops just to ask for what I am entitled to. It is crazy to me that I have had to hire a L to fight H's claim that I am entitled to nothing. I know that's not true. The law says that's not true. Yet here we are.

I needed to do that in order to get to the real answer which was that regardless of outcome, what was most important to me 5, 10 or 20 years down the road was that I could look back and say with all honesty that the balance of the time this unfolded I took the high road, I fought for fairness, I made the best decisions for my son's wellbeing that I could out of the miserable options I was given, and I could be proud of my conduct.

One thing that is bothering me now is that I want to fight for fairness, but I resent that doing so will cost me all the money. How lucky I was/am to have somehow saved up the money I needed for a retainer. But what next? What is my deeper fear? That I won't know the right time to walk away? Or that I won't fight as hard as I should for fairness?

Even as I type all this I realize it is not exactly a good use of my energy, bemoaning what has happened and what is happening—I can't change any of this. Still, I guess this is an attempt to recognize my anger and process it. To allow myself some anger. (Thinking here about some of your thoughts on anger lately, Sage and may.)

Yep...the rewriting of history is pretty stunning sometimes. But it is what they have to do to feel “good” about what they are doing. It has nothing to do with you or what you know to be the reality.

Thank you for this reminder, Dejavu, and for the reminder that M is a two-way street. I'm so glad your current R is more honest and direct, and that you see possibility in it. I love that your MIL is supportive and that you've been able to create a friendship with her and separate your history with H from your current friendship with her. This reminds me of what DnJ was saying too—that MIL is not really family anymore (this is still hard for me to accept, because in my mind H's family became my family when we M). My motives for wanting to reach out to MIL now are not great ones, now—I recognize I just really want to tell her all the crazy things H has done/is doing, because I don't think she knows half of it. Ha. So I will table that for the time being and let it be a fantasy. Maybe, like wooba says, that desire for a friendship with MIL will fade.

Oh, and good practical advice from kml and may, too, which I appreciate very much.

On the L fees... can you put together a budget of how much you're comfortable spending? When you put your business-only hat on, and remove any emotional connection you have to the place, there will be a tipping point where it becomes more expensive to hang onto it than to move (factoring in the L fees, the expense of moving, increased rent, etc). I'd do the math and keep that number in mind.

I need some help with this part. That is, separating fairness and the creatures I care for here from the money side of all this. It would most definitely cost a lot of money to leave, in the short and long term, but what is the tipping point? Maybe I can reach out to a friend for help with calculations. Also, I think it's hard for people who don't live in this area (or people who do live here but aren't looking for housing) to realize how few options there are out there in terms of housing, especially rental. It's no joke.

Can I ask a tough question? Do you really feel responsible for H's feelings and actions OR are you scared of his feelings and actions?

This is a great question, Sage, and one I need to keep thinking about. At the moment it's less that I really feel responsible for his feelings and actions and more that I am surprised and offended, as wooba wrote. The social norm vs. MLC behavior thing. I recognize that he is responsible for how he reacts, that he feels what he feels, but that doesn't mean I have to share his reality. But I also think there is still a part of me that is subconsciously eager to take on blame, and I don't always realize it as it's happening. Like, just because he is doing all he can to sidestep any responsibility for the decisions he's made in his life, including marrying me and staying married to me, doesn't mean that responsibility then needs to be claimed by someone else, but, oops, look, I guess I felt the need to pick it up and carry it. Is that what that awful weight has been? It's like a rock I keep finding in my backpack and keep throwing out, to harken back to Sage's analogy.

For example, when I read DnJ's response to wooba's H's outburst--he's projecting, he's blaming, it's about him--it seemed so clearly true to me, and I realized that, though my H has done and said similar things to me, I don't always have that same ability to step back and see it for what it is. There is still a part of me that seems to wants to say... well, what if it really is partly about you? It's like I'm discovering for the first time just how willing I was to accept that H didn't have equal agency or responsibility throughout our M, and just when I think I've dug and dug and pulled that weed, I find more root; it spouts again. And then I have to remember to pause and see it for what it is--something in me I need to call out and work on. But also it seems clear I'm sometimes scared of his feelings and actions--more scared of what his feelings and actions could bring about in the (my) world. (Thanks for the encouragement to keep working on it, PLC! You are doing so well!)

Anyway, here's where I need to dwell for now, I think:

My dear, the Universe is telling you something. Pay attention, please!!! You've done this once, you can and will be able to do this again, as often as you need to, either there or in another state. You're already being taken care of Cardinal, don't you see? Have faith. Trust and roll with it. In the struggle is the suffering.

and

Remember a lot of your concerns and fears will not come to pass. Sure, some will, and as they become reality the fear dissipates as the situation moves from imagined to real. And fear moves from irrational response to rational problem solving.

I think I've been writing this post for well over an hour. Glad to have stolen some time to reply to you all and, well, apparently it wasn't enough time to really organize my thoughts! But they're here, anyway.