Persistent Endurance (Part 8)

[MrBrside]

I asked her a couple months ago if she wanted to sleep in our bed. She only responded no. A few weeks later she was talking about her plans for her affair house which led to a relationship talk. I asked if she’s happy. She said no and others have asked her but she doesn’t know why while crying. I said you’ve never said that you want us or a better marriage. She said she’s tried and she doesn’t know what’s wrong. She needs more time and feels like I set these deadlines. Like Labor Day when I asked her to sleep in our bed. She said she’s not going to sleep together and give me false hope or fake it. I said I don’t want her to fake it either. She won’t be guilted into doing something she doesn’t want to do. She said you can’t always fix everything. She said she’s broken and asked why I can’t let things be. I said I can’t live this way the rest of our lives. She said she has no desire for me and the last time she did was 4 years ago. She said the way I didn’t help out after our daughter was born may have started it. I asked if she thought I was impatient and she replied yes. I said I get it and asked if there are any positives about me. She said that she likes that I do the laundry (now there’s some real value).

One word sums this up - Pursuit.. It was what you wanted, not her

I reflected back on this exchange and really listened to what she was telling me which can be simply summarized that she doesn’t want me. I took my ring off and boxed it up. It’s not a marriage when only one person’s heart is in it.

With all due respect Curtis, you dont listen - you cherry pick ! - Our sitch dates are weeks apart.. The line above is pretty much standard introduction stuff on this board - and nearly 2 years later and it has finally hit home ?

I don’t pressure her anymore. In many ways her behavior is back to what I remember. I haven’t verified her NC with OM but her actions show me that the NC is real. She has distanced herself from widowed BFF as she felt used by her. She remains in contact with divorced BFF, but not as often as she is settling in with a new BF. W is kind to me, but maybe a bit more selfish. Occasionally she goes out of her way to do things for me or that I would like. She talks about future plans and we work on home improvement projects together. She seems content with our current situation as is. W does not see an IC so I can only surmise she is trying to work through her issues internally.

Sounds like cake eating here.. Security that you bring - and close to the beloved horse.. WIth zero interest in you or the relationship.

I wanted so badly to be a success story here. To prove that people can change for the better, work through their problems, and build a better marriage.

Sorry - it was never going to happen in the way you wanted it to. You cherry picked the bits that suited you and ignored any advice that didnt tick your boxes. A lot of helpful people have given you a lot of their time and assistance trying to help you - But you only chose to listen to the advice that you wanted to listen to - like 10% if that. Without coming across too harsh, In some ways, you are a success story.. As you are a great example to other LBS's of what happens if you just continue to pressure, persue and ignore advice - 2 years later nothing changes.. Think of where you could be now if you had followed advice 2 years ago - 2 years of living in limbo.. What a waste of 2 years of a life.

Maybe that will happen for me, maybe it won’t. I’ll be fine either way. My W not showing that she wants to R after living here for so many months has made this all much more difficult. I still love her and see things from a different perspective now on how damaged she was/is. Sometimes I look at her and feel anger at how her choices made me feel. However, these flashbacks are fading over time.

You have just stated you dont want to file. You are living in limbo but dont have the **&* to do anything about it.. Hence i wouldnt be suprised if you were still in this situation in another 2 years.. WW using you - not loving you - oh and still with the horse.

I keep busy with S9’s baseball, D6’s softball, working out, and projects around the house. I’ll read a relationship or self improvement book now and then as a refresher and to prevent backsliding on my hard earned changes. These are crazy times. I’d like to take the family on a trip, even for a long weekend, but it seems unlikely before the holidays.

Changes - you still havent dropped the rope and are hanging onto hope.. This is the biggest change you need to make !!! - you dont need a self improvement book to do that !

I was reluctant to post here until I was in firmly in reconciliation or divorced bc I was hit with so many 2x4’s (deserved btw) for not DB.

But you have neither.. ? You are still hoping for reconciliation - and dont want to D ?