Persistent Endurance (Part 8)

[curtis7]

2 years ago today my W informed me what she had probably decided months earlier that our MR was over. I don’t know why but I couldn’t sleep and felt compelled to post an update on BD anniversary. Wow, was I a mess back then, that event sent me spinning for months! I’m doing good, I’m still married, W has been back home for 7 months, NC with OM for 5 months, and brought her stuff and fish home 3 months ago.

Most of her clothes are in the master bedroom walk in closet, but she never goes in there. She continues to stuff 2 weeks worth of clothes in the guest bedroom nightstand and closet. She refers to the bedrooms as my room and your room.

For all intents and purposes we are IHS in the time she’s been back. There is zero physical contact and no intimacy as she sleeps in the guest bedroom nightly. I have gone from living in an open MR to now living in a SSM and loveless MR where I don’t have a committed partner. Fair warning to any newcomers, this is not for the faint of heart. LH said this could take years to resolve and that’s a fact!

I’ve tried to remind myself that she was “in love” with her AP. I can imagine it takes time to go through affair withdrawal to unwind and process those feelings and the reasons why she chose to blow up our family. But 5 months, really? How long will this continue? I tried reading Sandi’s first posts on the forum when she was WW to glean insight into this process. I had a hard time following the timeline, but it seemed like many months before she started to respect her H after deciding to stick to NC with OM.

W and I usually watch a few shows after the kids go to bed. Then she goes off to sleep typically without saying goodnight. We live together as co-parents and roommates. I go to bed most nights and ask myself if I should press forward with the D. I honestly don’t know why I continue to tolerate this type of relationship. I guess it’s because I haven’t lost hope that one day she will want to start working on MR 2.0. Also, my vows and values are important to me and I get to be with my kids everyday.

I asked her a couple months ago if she wanted to sleep in our bed. She only responded no. A few weeks later she was talking about her plans for her affair house which led to a relationship talk. I asked if she’s happy. She said no and others have asked her but she doesn’t know why while crying. I said you’ve never said that you want us or a better marriage. She said she’s tried and she doesn’t know what’s wrong. She needs more time and feels like I set these deadlines. Like Labor Day when I asked her to sleep in our bed. She said she’s not going to sleep together and give me false hope or fake it. I said I don’t want her to fake it either. She won’t be guilted into doing something she doesn’t want to do. She said you can’t always fix everything. She said she’s broken and asked why I can’t let things be. I said I can’t live this way the rest of our lives. She said she has no desire for me and the last time she did was 4 years ago. She said the way I didn’t help out after our daughter was born may have started it. I asked if she thought I was impatient and she replied yes. I said I get it and asked if there are any positives about me. She said that she likes that I do the laundry (now there’s some real value).

Later that day I texted her a video link from Joe Beam on rejection and said “When you have some time maybe you could watch. It helps explain how I feel. I appreciate you sharing why you're not feeling the same. One thing I've learned is that you don't always get what you want unless you ask...so I asked you.” W replied “I watched the video btw. I will try to be more communicative.” I reflected back on this exchange and really listened to what she was telling me which can be simply summarized that she doesn’t want me. I took my ring off and boxed it up. It’s not a marriage when only one person’s heart is in it.

I don’t pressure her anymore. In many ways her behavior is back to what I remember. I haven’t verified her NC with OM but her actions show me that the NC is real. She has distanced herself from widowed BFF as she felt used by her. She remains in contact with divorced BFF, but not as often as she is settling in with a new BF. W is kind to me, but maybe a bit more selfish. Occasionally she goes out of her way to do things for me or that I would like. She talks about future plans and we work on home improvement projects together. She seems content with our current situation as is. W does not see an IC so I can only surmise she is trying to work through her issues internally.

I wanted so badly to be a success story here. To prove that people can change for the better, work through their problems, and build a better marriage. Maybe that will happen for me, maybe it won’t. I’ll be fine either way. My W not showing that she wants to R after living here for so many months has made this all much more difficult. I still love her and see things from a different perspective now on how damaged she was/is. Sometimes I look at her and feel anger at how her choices made me feel. However, these flashbacks are fading over time.

I keep busy with S9’s baseball, D6’s softball, working out, and projects around the house. I’ll read a relationship or self improvement book now and then as a refresher and to prevent backsliding on my hard earned changes. These are crazy times. I’d like to take the family on a trip, even for a long weekend, but it seems unlikely before the holidays.

I was reluctant to post here until I was in firmly in reconciliation or divorced bc I was hit with so many 2x4’s (deserved btw) for not DB. I do keep up on the sitches of others and maybe I’ll be able to give some good advice once I come out the other side of this. Perhaps this journaling will help others in their MR’s. Take care everyone.