Persistent Endurance (Part 8)

[curtis7]

Here’s an update I wrote 3 months ago but never posted. Adding now to journal before my next update.

W is now 2 months NC with OM3. She is still a vagabond living in the guest bedroom since the beginning of April. She has about a weeks worth of clothes stuffed in the drawers of the nightstand. She’ll bring a single article of clothing from her affair house every now and then. I let her be, that seems to be all she’s comfortable with.

We are both working from home throughout the pandemic and we are slowly becoming more comfortable around each other. We are back to being a married couple in many ways during the day and with regards to parenting and making joint decisions about the future. However, there is zero intimacy and affection. At bedtime, she says goodnight about every other night, then retreats into the guest bedroom. The woman has no desire for me and there has been no physical contact.

I’ve gone from my W having an EA, IHS, then PA, then more PA’s, then physical separation for a year, moving home back into IHS, failed NC attempts with AP, and now a SSM. The love in this MR is one-sided. This is absolutely not the model of marriage that I want to be setting as an example for my kids. I do ask myself everyday if I am better off pushing forward with the D. Then I decide not today and convince myself that she is going through affair withdrawal. I’ve read the process of letting go of the affair can take weeks or months as the fog slowly lifts before some WAS are able to see the LBS and have some positive feelings return. It sure would be great to bypass all of this and get to the hysterical bonding phase. One thing I’ve learned is that the LBS can’t really do much to fast track these things, the WAS is on their own timeline. I try to focus on the positives, she’s here, she’s NC with AP, she talks about a future with me, we laugh and spend time together.

Still, I want more. We are not piecing. She is still working through and deciding if she wants to reconcile. Until we are sleeping together in the same bed in the marital home and she expresses her commitment to our MR in words and actions along with a willingness to prioritize and do the necessary work, we are not piecing.

W and I had a relationship talk a few weeks ago after I pulled a sheet of paper out of her work notebook to make a shopping list. She had some questions written out on the preceding page along with some thoughts: Is OM3 good for me? Is Curtis good for me? Should I stay or should I go? W sensed my demeanor change when I saw what was on the page. I thought about it and decided not to hold back my feelings. After a few minutes I told her that was really bothering me. She started getting extremely defensive just like all the other relationship talks and throwing things back at me. She said she has no time, we don’t talk because she has no time in her life, everyone is pressuring her and looking for answers. She said she can’t leave now because of the kids. She was/is mad that she was “forced” to give up talking to someone (OM3) that she cared about.

W said we only have a business relationship and that we have no emotional connection, never have. She feels her A’s were when we were separated so it was okay. She was done with me and my feelings didn’t matter to her so it was not a deciding factor for her to stop. W said I’m lucky I made her feel bad about cheating or she would have ended our marriage last year. The guilt kept her from filing. She agreed that she’s still ambivalent and that’s why the fish are still at her house, she has 5 pairs of clothes here, and hasn’t moved home.

I said you listed many negatives about me and only a few positives. I asked do those negatives, many of which are long in the past, outweigh my positives? She replied no. I said you seem to focus on them a lot and are bitter and resentful. She saw that was the case and something she needs to work through. I asked if she wanted our marriage to be more than a business relationship. She said yes. I told her I need her help and effort. I asked if she thought we could get there and she replied yes. My takeaway from this talk was that nothing’s changed, she’s stuck in outer space light years from home and hasn’t moved any closer.

In other news, divorced BFF tested positive for CV-19. Most likely picked up from one of her online dates. Good reason to steer clear of her. Her daughters were with her XH when she found out; however, she confided in my W that she felt it was best until they come back to her before she notify him of her test results. D is so ugly that people are willing to put other’s lives at risk out of spite. Talk about vindictive and selfish behavior.

Widowed BFF complains daily to my W about how her now BF (former AP) who still lives with his baby’s mama isn’t living up to what he said he would do. Namely visit her and her two kids at least once a week and play new daddy to them. W tells me about all the drama on this woman’s life and how her BF isn’t meeting her expectations and I ask her why she is putting herself through this stress. W responds I know you don’t like her but she’s not going anywhere so you’ll just have to deal with it. I let it go. If that’s who W wants to interact with, then that’s her business. I can’t fix her problems. W and kids stayed with the widowed BFF on the 1 year anniversary of his passing. W came back the next day and started telling me how BFF is still in the anger phase of the grieving process and has made zero progress. W feels that BFF is using her and can’t be alone. W feels taken advantage of by BFF and thinks she may need to start distancing herself from her. W’s eyes teared when she was telling me because she feels as though she doesn’t have any good friends in her present life.