Don’t bother. Just be the rock for your kids. My ex is always yelling at my kids. Guess what house they would rather be at? That’s all you can do A. It will get easier when she moves out. That I promise you.
I do not have concrete evidence that she has EA/PA but I've always assumed she has. Maybe instead of saying open marriage I will change it to that I refuse to be in such a state.
She's going to view an apartment this saturday, if it goes well for her she will be moving out pretty soon.
The only thing I'm frustrated about is her frequent outings with her friends for dinner and drinks and her overnight stays which she never says where she's going.
I think its very fair to say "she is" - and 99% of the time, they deny it - even on their childrens lives. To put into context, i spent every night with my WW for over 7 years.. Even after a night out, she came home.. Hit WW world and she feeds me a cock and bull story of "needing a better nights sleep and not wanting the children to wake her up after a night out" - hence stayed "her mums" most saturdays.. Its BS, but you cannot change it.. And i garantee you that they won't see it as an issue or neglecting the kids.. In the selfish WW mindset, she is entitled to do as she wants ...
Originally Posted by AKuei
She doesn't even want to spend time with the kids and when she is with the kids, she is usually shouting at them to move their asssses to either shower or eat their food. But I do see there were moments where she was nice and calm to the kids too. Just that the shouting and her impatient moments were more than the calm ones. Should I voice this discontent to her?
This again is the norm. You need to understand her old mindset is gone. All she will be thinking about is OM.. Waiting for the next text to light up her phone or meetup. To her, you and the children are in the way of this exciting fantasy she now lives in. She is stuck in a home with you in the kids - therefore it is you and the kids that are making her unhappy. Nothing you say or do will change this.
Voicing this will make zero change - You cannot control her actions and you sure has hell will not understand her. So just be the bigger man, and show the kids where their support network lies. Trust me on this - They will see this and know who their rock is.. My relationship with D8 is amazing.. She 6 when i ended the reationship, but she knows full well who have the time for her
Originally Posted by AKuei
Other than that, she has free reign to do whatever the F she wants; I'm not getting in her way in anything she does.
Keep working on you - it gets sooo much better.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
Thanks for the great advice LH and MrBr. Tough love is hard to comprehend for those with NGS but I'm trying my best to stick to it.
I'm teetering on the anger side and I feel it's not healthy. I have to let go whole heatedly with no anger to support it. Think it's going to take some time.
I'm preparing myself for the next stunt she's going to pull so that I can test my resolve and not go back to the balless sad piece of shiit again. Wish me luck on this.
And just to rant; tomorrow is my d6's graduation ceremony and at that same time she's due to go for room viewing. Talk about priorities. Tsk tsk tsk.
M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4) M-7, T-8 Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019 W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
A little over a month had passed since she mentioned about moving out. She went to view an apartment, tried to convince our current tenant to move in with her to split the cost. Tenant didn't want to move because it's more inconvenient and she has to end up paying more.
Anyway i left it at that and didn't pursue or push at all. Tenant came to me discreetly to tell me that the W told her she will stay for another year and see how it goes. Told her thanks for the update but I don't need updates like this moving forward.
And for someone who is looking to move out because she couldn't stand the sight of me, it's peculiar that she's burning more money on more new stuff; a swanky new dyson hairdryer; a mid-high end mountain bike and looking at installing a bike mount in our small apartment to hang her new bike. Clothes and shoes buying regime still going strong too.
As for me, I'm starting to get more busy and planning to spend more time with my workmates (I manage around 40+ folks in my company) via physical team-building events (spread out in small groups due to social distancing policy) which means I'm out every Friday evenings. Told W she will have to take care of the kids every friday for the next 4-5 Fridays. No push backs whatsoever.
One thing we have in common are the kids; this is something I'm grateful of because I can see that she's still trying to be involved with them. I can see an uptick in her managing the kids stuff(screaming and shouting from her still there but it's getting slightly better). And last weekend she spent an entire afternoon cleaning up the home to make way for her impending bicycle wall mount. The old me will take this as a sign that she's turning back; but now I'm more sceptical than ever because it's not a consistent behavior and too little time has passed as well.
Our R and SSM is in limboland. All my interactions with her were purely business; kids and house stuff. There were a few moments in hindsight that I should say lesser stuff and shut the F up(e.g. probing more on her statements). Still trying to improve on that. We don't interact when we are alone in the house in the mornings; just minding my own business and I leave her to do her stuff.
This limbo is giving me the notion that ultimately I will become a WAH instead if she doesn't come round. This is something i cannot control though. Living day by day right now.
I'm spending a lot time reading through the other threads and I want to say that again the vets here are god-send! Steve85, LH19, Sandi and a few others are so right in so many things. Even though some of us came from different countries and cultures but WS and WAS all behave the same! Simply mind-blowing!
Stay strong peeps!
Last edited by AKuei; 11/03/2006:51 AM.
M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4) M-7, T-8 Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019 W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
It's not all bed of roses though. I still do have some moments where I have anxiety issues but I'm glad to say that I've kept it to a bare minimum. I'm trying my best not to get affected by the W's actions or words and just concentrate on my kids and myself.
Eventually I want to go to a place where I don't want to save the marriage and instead live out the best for myself and the ones that loves me (the kids and my other family members). If I save my marriage that will be a plus, but if I don't that's fine by me too. Still have a long way to go haha...
I'll try to journal once in a while and will instead spend more time reading and trying to motivate others in this forum too. It's time to give back a little to the forum for all the help that was given to me previously!
M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4) M-7, T-8 Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019 W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
Recently went for a keyhole surgery for my right knee and as a result I'm more home-bound than ever. W took over the job of sending and fetching the kids with my car and she also decided to work from home for the time being.
I couldn't bring myself to get her to do things so eventually I still cook for the kids from time to time and also did some chores (I prolly did 30% lesser overall). While she was at home and when I was seated at the dining table eating my lunch she would talk about things happening from work. Validated the sheet out of it and didn't offer any advice because I assumed she didn't need any.
I was due to visit the doctor for a follow up last tuesday and she said she would drive me there but the night before she told me to get my brother to send me over because she had a meeting to attend. I just said sure and I went by my own instead of troubling my brother. No biggie and in fact, i found a coin purse on the road while walking which contain loose change. Turned out that coin purse was an expensive one; a hermes! It had no owner details so unfortunately I couldn't return it to owner. Talk about finders keepers! And that set me thinking; things turned out better than expected! I was a bit bummed out by her last minute change of plans but that coin purse taught me to look for positivities! And it paid off! But then again, it's a ladies coin purse. I have no use for it, haha.
Back to the W, she didn't bring up S or moving out at all, and she seems contented with the status quo. I, on the other hand am just waiting around for the inevitable. At times, it seems unbearable but it's a passing phase. I let it run through me and feel that emotion in that moment. It went away quickly and I was back to doing my own things.
I think I've more or less settled about my situation. If it happens, it happens. The lack of intimacy can really take a toll on you. I'm just putting in all my attention to my kids and myself. I hope I can keep the engine running because like all the vets here say; it's a marathon, not a sprint.
Looking forward to a less craappy 2021 I guess!
M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4) M-7, T-8 Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019 W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
D6 started her grade school this year. W had started to be more involved in prepping the kid for it. Lots of conversation happening between me and the W because of this. No R talks at all. And I was trying my hardest to validate (It's tough man).
W seems to be happy to be in this state of limbo; making home improvements here and there, taking on the responsibility of sending D6 to school in the morning while I take care of D4. Picking them back from school is still my job because I'm the one with the car.
I seemed to be handling it well but sometimes, I may spiral slightly out of control and will have this nagging thinking that maybe I should be the one to file it because I really hate this limbo state. It's either you're in or you're out. My speculation is that she doesn't have the financial means to move out and still be there for the kids so she's buying time to work out an exit plan on her own time. Thus me thinking about pulling the plug and expedite the move.
I still don't think I'm at a place where I'm ok to move forward. I know i'm going at it at turtle pace and I hate myself for it. "It's a marathon, not a sprint" this is the only phrase that is keeping me in check.
Because of my knee surgery, I can't GAL as much anymore but i'll be off crutches next week so I can start to do some GAL-planning! No heavy sports (which i love football and thai kick-boxing) for at least 6 months so I'm figuring out what to GAL alone. Thinking of getting more books to read; head out to a nice cafe to read it instead of being cooped up at home though.
Another thing that is boggling my mind is that she has been asking me to be more involved in some of her events; asking me to go badminton (which i declined because of my knee op; obviously), arranging to bring the kids out together for a swim, started to even coach me on how to fold the laundry, nag at the kids, planning gathering at our place together with me(i didn't actively plan with her, I'm more like a follower because it's her friends not mine). All these are pointing back to her old self; I'm not having high hopes of it because she doesn't seem remorseful for the damage she has done to the family (I assumed she felt oblivious because the kids are not so much affected given the fact that I stepped up the plate to be there for my kids; they are doing fabulous with me to be honest!). All i can say right now is that I'm working to be an effective co-parent with her. I don't want to give the kids mixed signals where I'm opposing her on the way we parent. It's not enabling her because her thought process about parenting is quite mainstream and not controversial which i can get behind. Although a couple of times i did questioned about her actions which i politely declined and told her I will manage the kids my way.
I'm still doing my therapy and reading up on a lot on this forum and other marriage-related portals. Still kept my weight down and doing pretty much ok physically (minus the knee op).
Just one quick question to the vets here; how can i build my self-esteem up? I can't seem to find a way that sticks...
M(36), W(36), D(6), D(4) M-7, T-8 Bomb Drop - Nov 28, 2019 W requested separation - Sep 30, 2020
I disagree. All those things are pointing to her wanting to cake eat. "I can live the single life, have my own place, etc, but still play family when I miss that part of my life."
AK, you should decline all of these requests. Letting a WAS cake eat is one of the worst things you can do when DBing. Unless, of course, you are okay with it. Some LBSs are. But since you seem unable to move forward with the D yourself, I am guessing you aren't in a place emotionally to handle the roller-coaster ride that is a WAS that wants to cake eat.
AK, as far as your self-esteem. Are you in IC? I know you had knee op, but have you been working out and eating right? When was the last time you updated your wardrobe? What books are you reading for self-improvement? Never stop working on yourself.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
