Me: Well you raised him for 10yr and he voted X... clearly had more influence than I did with him. Maybe you should check in with him sometime.
First, very glad you didn't send this. Second, I'm curious if you think this is a positive comment? Or do you see it for the passive/aggressive comment it really is? I suspect you don't see it, so I'll break it down.
"he voted X... clearly had more influence than I did with him"
Implication is that you do not approve of S's voting choice, and you blame H for it.
"Maybe you should check in with him sometime."
Implication is that he has abandoned S and should feel guilty for it.
What makes it passive/aggressive is you don't overtly say these things, you bury them as implications in a way that you can take the "plausible deniability" path if he says something. For example, if he responds "are you trying to imply I don't contact S enough?" Then you can say "oh no that's not what I meant at all, he just misses you." It's a very shady statement and 100% not the sort of thing you want to be sending to a WAS (or anyone else for that matter).
Quote
S19 has had a lot of food issues/sensory issues his whole life... H got him to try some pretty radical stuff and as S19 was in his first few weeks of living away at school he is telling me what he tries to eat every day which is HUGE for this kid... AND, again I want to text and thank my H for this...
Now that would be more of a positive statement. I wouldn't text it, but put it in your pocket and maybe mention it to H sometime if/when you see him. "Oh, just wanted to say that S has been telling me about the food options he's exploring as a result of his conversations with you and that I'm glad you helped him with that." Just positive reinforcement and that's it. No "he sure does miss you" or "I wish you would talk to him more" or anything like that.
Yes - my statement was poorly worded for sure!! I was just putting it here and definitely if I had sent would have been more careful with word choices since texting is a horrible WAY of talking - no tone or body language.
Regardless I would NOT want to be appearing as passive aggressive....
When I thought my son voted X which would have been from H's influence not mine my thoughts were to let him know what an influence he has had on S19 for 10yr... not in any bad way what so ever. H voted X I voted Y and my S19 is free to vote where he feels comfortable but funny that he would vote X... apparently over time absorbing more of H than H or I would have guessed. ANYWAY it was not to be negative at all.
Secondly when I last saw H in person he asked about S19. I answered, was upbeat and positive but I should have reminded him he can reach out to S19 too but for some reason did not say that. While I am mind reading H NEVER reaches out to S19 I suppose from guilt... and he just wants to rip off the band aid and move on. Its crushed S19 though he will never utter that out loud. But, you are 100% correct. I would never want to guilt H into contacting S19. I would love for it to be organic... IDK what to do there.... Suggestions???
AND, the day S19 was telling me about his food plans I knew the credit for that was 100% my H... he pushed for that and S19 I suppose in wanting to be liked by this man did his best. He ate squirrel heart... WHAT??? Can't get this kid to mashed potatoes. He ate deer heart... WHAT??? He's at college eating vegetables and I'm like oh really? Good for you!!! I would love more than anything to tell H thank you and it was all his influence. But, I get that I can't.
So anyway... AS thank you for pointing out that how it was written was passive aggressive. I'm pretty much the queen of passive aggressive and something that I've been working on for some time.
