Oh KitCat, I am sorry you are having a rough go of it right now.
You have been given some really good advice, over and over on this forum, but I know in my own situation that it took looking at it from many different angles for me to see it for what it is and truly strive towards detachment.
I believe you are struggling with everything everyone is suggesting you are in the above posts. However, looking at you from a 30,000' outsider's perspective, here is what I see:
1. You are hurting deeply with the pain of rejection, so much so that it is completely defining you and limiting your ability to move into healing.
2. You have gotten so co-dependent within your R that you can't separate yourself from your WAH.
3. H has way too much power over you. No one should ever have that much power over you, ever.
4. You subconsciously believe that you will never meet a match like H. This is hindering your growth and the opportunities to move on into healing and meeting a new person.
Please consider a full-hearted, aggressive, try-everything approach to finding yourself again. You have no idea what will work or what will not, so I would try EVERYTHING. Here's my list of things I tried (ignore what doesn't fit your style):
1. Therapy is a must. Definitely talk and/or PTSD/tapping/EFT-- go twice a week if you must for a while 2. GAL 3. Bodywork (massage, reiki, etc) 4. Spiritual healers 5. Psychics/tarot/astrology 6. Church, if you are religious 7. Lean on your real-life community to talk, keep you busy, distract you 8. Journaling 9. Goal-making 10. NO CONTACT WITH H
The last one is a must until you are fully detached. And you will know when you are detached. You won't have to prove it to us or to anyone else, it will just be who you are.
