I didn't care if the kids were at my house Thanksgiving Thursday or Friday. As long as I was able to spend the day with them and that we alternated days each year. They were at my house on Thursday every other year.
Now that my kids are all out of the house, D19 asked about thanksgiving. I said I am fine following the same schedule as the divorce agreement to avoid consternation (one of those great words I learned from my lawyer) with her mother.
One exception to the alternating was the kids always had Christmas day with me and Christmas eve with their mother. (This was Moms request so they could go to mass on Xmas eve, and I decided this was a fine arrangement as well).
Originally Posted by may22
With your kids-- I agree with Steve to be as flexible as you can to support them. It is hard enough to deal with competing in-laws for holidays and I'm sure having freshly Ded parents adds a whole extra layer of difficulty to the mix, and they will be having a hard enough time dealing with it on their own. Have you talked with each of them about what they are thinking for the holidays? It may be best to understand where they are and what plans they've already made or are thinking of making, what their other obligations might be, before proposing something to your W (should you decide that is the best route to go). Note that if she's been the primary communicator with them about plans like this when you were M it may feel strange for you to jump into that role, but if I were you I'd far rather be active in the plans than wait for them to be made for you. Which very well might happen if you wait too long.
Originally Posted by Steve85
Arranging time with the kids for the holidays is going to be an issue for years. My advice is to bend-over backwards to accommodate your kids. Do not put a premium on the day, just the time spent. "Dad, mom is insisting on getting together for Christmas Eve, and we have my spouse's side on Christmas. Could we do Christmas with you on Saturday?" Accommodate that. Do not get into the game of "Your mom gets Christmas Eve she is more important to than I am!" Be the bigger person. The time with your kids (and grandkids assuming you have some) is the important thing, not the day. The problems always arise when pettiness rules the day. Remember, your adult kids are caught in the middle of juggling all of this. Make it as easy for them as possible.
Thanks to all of you for your holiday comments. This will be one of my easiest to handle!
Last year my STBXW colluded with my eldest daughter, who more or less sided with her mom, and got the three of them to spend Christmas Eve AND Christmas Day with her. It was incredibly hurtful. My kids were gone from 3 PM on 12/24 until noon on 12/26. It was a quiet and lonely house on Christmas Day. The pain was still so incredibly raw, and I was still on the receiving end of every salvo.
A year has passed and I am now ever so much stronger. And my kids are being fair this time. The ex gets them for Thanksgiving and I get them for Christmas. And I didn't have to lobby for it, they made the fair decision themselves.
