Hi Tom, Steve gives good advice about how to distinguish boundaries from controlling behavior. You control you. That's it. But you can remove yourself from a situation where your boundaries are being crossed and you're being hurt. You don't need to say anything to enforce a boundary ahead of time. You just do what you need to do to protect yourself.
Your boundaries are going to be YOUR boundaries and they might be different from anyone else's, but that is for you to decide. I don't think anyone here should tell you what your boundaries should be.
What do you need for your own healing and progress? If a cold text message from her makes you weep and spin, then let her know you'd like to communicate exclusively by email and stop responding to her texts until she stops texting you, or block her. Figure out what you need and then protect that space for yourself.
This is really helpful, May22, thank you.
OK. Assuming that the boundaries I'm working on are only the ones with my STBXW, here is my first crack at them.
1) No one-on-one meetings. First, because I might weep and this, for me at least, is not what I want to do. Showing vulnerability and pain is not the way to go according to DB principles; also, I showed her massive amounts of both during the first 90 days after BD, and she was not moved at the time. Finally, there is the matter of her (false) accusation of violence toward her. If I am ever alone with her, without witnesses, she might well claim I threatened her and succeed in getting that restraining order.
2) No working things out in writing, at least for now. Sorry, this boundary is not so much a matter of pain but one of trying, finally, to get some level of control of the settlement process.
3) No verbal discussions. I am still pretty wounded. That means not over the phone and certainly no facetime.
4) Texting to coordinate the trivial is fine. When it come to the children, they are all adults and I will let them be the interface.
Originally Posted by may22
With your friends-- if I were you I'd give them the benefit of the doubt. You may be reading things into their responses that aren't meant that way. People sometimes feel uncomfortable about D and they may just not know what to say to you right now, not that they have heard anything from your W about you. Reach out when you're ready.
This is very good advice and I will do my best to not make judgments without direct evidence that someone has decided to turn against me.
Originally Posted by may22
Are you in IC? I spent a good amount of time with my IC defining my own boundaries for my own healing and emotional safety, and then working on enforcing them.
Yes, I've been in counseling since 3 weeks after D-Day. It has done wonders. We have not discussed boundaries yet but now that y'all are driving me that way, I will bring it up on Thursday.
