Tom, remember the DB principle of focusing on what you can control. You cannot control what she says to other people. You cannot control how other people react to what she says. So stop focusing on that. True friends are true friends. Friends that evade you because STBXW said you were mean aren't true friends.
Boundaries are not about controlling others, it is about deciding before hand what you will do! The example I always give is a boundary I think every spouse should have:
-If my spouse physically cheats on me I will go file for D.
Notice, this is not a boundary that says "YOU CANNOT CHEAT ON ME". That would non-enforceable. What it does do is set what YOUR ACTION will be if the boundary is crossed.
-If my WAS starts treating me disrespectfully I will stand up for myself "I refuse to stand her and be spoken to like that.", and walkaway.
Notice, you can't control your spouse's behavior, but you can control your action once the boundary is crossed.
I am a big fan of email only communication for folks that are in the advanced stages of a sitch like yours. Then every word will be established. The other two (indirect through attorneys and 2 on 2) are fine too, but can get expensive in a hurry. Attorney hourly rates are ridiculous.
As usual, Steve, you are right on point and state things so clearly even a dense tech guy like me can understand it!
So I guess the only comment I have is understanding just why people spend so long "working on their boundaries." It seems like a relatively straightforward thing to do. Unless you mean, for example in my case, trying all types of communication out -- e.g, in-person meeting, facetime, phonecall, email, or text -- until you find out which ones you want to avoid.
Also, thanks for making so clear the issue of control. Wow that is really poignant now. I should only expend emotional energy over the things I can control and not worry about the others. OK. Now that I understand it in my head, let's see if I can live it.
