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[may22]

Hi Sage,

Wow, I am so proud and happy for you. Love, love, love that your child got to have a birthday focused all on him for one day... these silver linings to COVID. Part of me hopes that when my children are grown, their memories of COVID time will be less about all the things we didn't get to do or the pervasive fear and anxiety, and more about the special things we *did* get to do. My 10 year old planned an escape room for Halloween, and we did pinatas and scary movies and ate as much candy as we wanted. At the end of the night, I was cuddled on the couch with one daughter on each side, and D10 said to me Mommy, this was a great night. I really liked tonight. My heart was full. I was so worried they'd miss not seeing their friends, or dressing up and trick-or-treating... but they were champs.

A few things in your recent posts really stood out for me, especially as areas where I still need work and am inspired by your success:

The old me would have taken his emotions personally and reacted from a place of hurt, as he was accusing me of something that I felt I shouldn't have to justify, but instead I was able to take a deep breath and tried to dig deeper to see where he was coming from. I don't know if I completely understood the root of his feelings, but I felt capable of defusing the situation and validating and we left the situation in a place where we both felt understood.

I know that validation and detaching in order to have these kind of interactions is key to DBing, and I STILL have trouble with it. I think I did better when he was in the midst of the A than I do now. Reading how you took a deep breath and were able to restrain your emotions and react with your thinking mind... I am remembering how I had a mantra of "you only control you" in my head when H was saying these crazy things in R talks, and I could listen and nod and even ask deepening questions. It was like I had this hard shell that protected me from really feeling or taking personally what he said. Now I'm finding that that shell was just a shell. It wasn't bone-deep detachment. I'd love to hear more about your woo-woo land assistance to get you to where you are now.

Like Cardinal, I love this:

14 years of trying to fill a cup that had leaks in it turns out to be a lesson in futility. Only the individual is capable of plugging those holes that were created in childhood; no one else can do it for us. Stepping back and examining the leaks in my own cup is all I am in charge of at this time. That, and trying to give my children the tools and resiliency to fix their own holes when it comes time for them to examine their cup of life.

Examining the leaks in my own cup is all I am in charge of at this time. Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

H is deeply, deeply, deeply insecure. To a degree that I never recognized.

Mine too. And 99 out of 100 people who know him would laugh in my face if I said this to them. My MIL brought it up to me and she's totally right. Like you, I feel compassion for him here (I simply can't imagine what life would be like caring so GD much about what everyone else thinks of you) but it also doesn't excuse his behavior and the way he has treated me. So I am struggling a bit here to reconcile these two things-- empathy for him and -- I don't know what emotion is tied to the way he's treated me. Anger, I guess. Frustration. I think I need to do some loving-kindness meditation practice, maybe. How have you synthesized these two truths for yourself and ended up with feeling compassion? That he is broken AND he has treated you abysmally?

And, just FWIW, what you posted on AlisonUK's thread... that was me, too. My H also stopped trying to initiate without telling me to test me. (Though AP was in the picture then, and that has something to do with it). And for me it was also always the second or third day of vacation that I was able to actually relax and be interested again. It is so interesting to me to see so many parallels in our experiences.

(((Sage))) keep up the good work and send your zen vibes my way. I need it today.