I couldn't agree with you more and it all goes back to doing what works. It seems to me being pleasant, focusing on my own growth, and occasionally dropping off a homecooked meal really, really work. I totally agree that any more family time invitations should come from him. I actually think the fact that he was so hesitant suggests he is not actively trying to friend zone me, but really wrestling with some bigger stuff. I'm not sure what that stuff is. Begging, pleading, being desperate and frequent texting really don't work. At all. And he is like a scared cat....a scared cat that seemingly likes to be brought the occasional plate of pot roast only to hurry back into the house and devour it. lol
And yes, he took a lot of the problems seriously and has changed a great deal. I think the hard part for me was when he was like "now you change" in therapy. But, to be fair, there were some things I actually do have to work on. And I'm going to do my best to fix them for myself.
That all sounds great, Rusty. My only other suggestion for you would be to come up with some strategies to deal with the anxiety when it does come up. Reminding yourself that what you've been doing works can help. Having self-care strategies at hand has helped me a lot too-- when I would really really want to start an R talk, for instance, or text him, I would have an alternative activity ready to go. (This is something I still am working on but it does work!!) And generally, focusing on yourself and GALing-- the more energy you can put into that, the less you'll have available for worrying about what is going on in his mind.
You might read AlisonUK's early threads. She was the one to ask her H to leave and so had some of the same struggles around whether she was the LBS or the WAS. And I recall she also had issues during their separation around whether or not to spend family time together, how much, whether or not to make him plates of food, etc. He ended up moving back in and they're piecing, but I know she wishes they'd had more time apart to work on things on their own before moving back in together.
Originally Posted by Rustymom
And yes, he took a lot of the problems seriously and has changed a great deal. I think the hard part for me was when he was like "now you change" in therapy. But, to be fair, there were some things I actually do have to work on. And I'm going to do my best to fix them for myself.
That is great. And he may very well be waiting to see those changes before recommitting to a M with you.
Hang in there, Rusty. Awesome progress on the career front too!
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
She also really encouraged spending fun family time together. This board is pretty scared of being friend-zoned. If I were you, I'd take all of the advice into account and then decide what makes the most sense for you in your particular situation and what feels right to you.
I am a firm believer in being friendly as long as it is welcomed. But being friendly should be part of your core being, not just tactical with the spouse. There are also times when one should definitely not be friendly. Getting all your core values in alignment with your words, behavior, body language etc. is part of the growth that needs to happen. Then you just know when to be friendly or not and act appropriately.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I sort of get what you're saying, but disagree slightly. At my core, I'm a very friendly person. Most people would describe me as friendly. But as the separation and divorce process unfolds, it becomes harder and harder to be friendly. What happens, at least for me, is that you naturally go into defensive mode where you merely see things from your perspective and you cease to consider the other person's point of view. You naturally go from being best friends to adversaries...at least that's what happened to me and DH. And I think that's why so many people become angry and mean and lash out during divorce. What has helped me most is to really try and view things from DH's perspective and I'm even trying to see MIL's perspective. When I become firmly entrenched in my point of view and fail to see what others may be thinking/feeling, I feel attacked during this process and, instinctively, become "unfriendly."
Did anybody else's husband start playing "Mr. Super Dad" upon separation? Like DH couldn't do anything with the kids at all and suddenly I'm bombarded with texts etc reminding me about kids things. Of course I'm doing all of the kids stuff. I've always done all of the kids stuff. What's up with the reminders and check ins? I'm trying really hard not to let it infuriate me
Rustymom, I became a more active Dad after divorce. I suddenly only was responsible for my kids 67% of the time and wanted to make the most of it! After divorcing my ex-wife, I took a leave of absence to spend more time with them to help them cope. I began volunteering at school and sports to have more time as well.
Originally Posted by Rustymom
Of course I'm doing all of the kids stuff. I've always done all of the kids stuff. What's up with the reminders and check ins? I'm trying really hard not to let it infuriate me
I would set boundaries around unsolicited advice. My ex-wife has occasionally felt strongly about certain things. I rarely pulled out the "I have primary custody" card, but I also didn't respond to every gripe. Do consider many LBS/WAS would love to have an ex who is positively engaging with their children. I've been encouraging when my ex assumes more responsibility (as opposed to suggesting what I should do). I mean, I love it when I'm not the only parent making my kids do homework, shower, or eat vegetables.
Did anybody else's husband start playing "Mr. Super Dad" upon separation? Like DH couldn't do anything with the kids at all and suddenly I'm bombarded with texts etc reminding me about kids things. Of course I'm doing all of the kids stuff. I've always done all of the kids stuff. What's up with the reminders and check ins? I'm trying really hard not to let it infuriate me
From the LBS side of this... ( and my persective as a LBS ) - it wasnt a case of starting to play Super Dad..It was a case of finding a new found freedom to be a great dad without the constant hassle from my WW..
In every aspect..
When we were a "family" we did very little with the children. WW found day trips stressful.But at the same time she would rarely let me doing anything with them without her because she didnt want to miss out on anything - the consequence of this was doing very little..
My WW has made a similar comment to yours to mutual friends - And from my persective, i am free. Me and the kids make amazing memorys on a weekly basis - The children have had the best 2 years of their lives and i have never been happier - and i know i am a great father. The difference now is that i have nobody to control me, or what me and the children do when we are together. I have become my childrens rock - i know that. I am relaible and i am always there for them, where as my WW continues on her selfish path.
In terms of the day to day stuff - Like me, i suspect he is making sure he is fully in the loop on everything that concerns his children - So with all due respect, it sounds like he is stepping up and feels he wants to be their rock - something every LBS husband should be doing.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
I'm trying to be understanding. It's hard when he went from never attending a game to all of a sudden insisting on being at all the games despite the league's covid policy of only one parent per game. I would have been so, so happy when we were married if he offered to take the kids by himself to anything for bonding time. He wanted to watch videogames and sleep in.
I'm trying to view it as positive, but at times it feels very controlling. I'm sending the eldest back to in person tomorrow and he wants to call and discuss the school supply list with me.It's a supply list! Like does he have to check to make sure I have the correct number of pencils and crayons? He has regularly chastised me if I forget even the smallest thing for one of the children's events. It's like he has gone from not being involved at all to monitoring my parenting.
Again, I'm not saying that him stepping up is a bad thing. But, I think I may have to nicely draw boundaries around the monitoring and correcting of me.
