Hi Alison! What a positive start to your new thread. Reading your posts from start to finish and it is so clear that you are a completely different woman from the one who joined here. You should be proud of your growth, it has been inspiring to read.
But oh, the SSM.
Originally Posted by AlisonUK
Last night was difficult. He'd been working all day, and had texted me a few times flirtatiously to let me know he was looking forward to getting in bed that night. I cooked something light and nice for him to have when he got home, and we got to bed and he was hugging and holding me and being very affectionate. He kept asking me if I was all right, and what I wanted, and I said I was fine, and I just wanted this, what we were doing, and he kept asking me, so I said I was confused about what he was asking - could he be more specific about what was worrying him or what he wanted - and he got really frustrated with me. So he got up and went downstairs, and came up half an hour later and said I was totally messed up, and there was nothing he could do right. It didn't really escalate, we went to sleep. I guess at the time I was feeling, before he got frustrated, that there was clearly something he wanted me to do or not do and I had no idea what it was, and I wish he'd ask me, and when he got frustrated and started speaking a bit unkindly to me, I thought - ah, so you're nice to me when you're getting what you want, but when you don't get what you want (and I have no idea what that is) then the real self comes through - this sulky, mean, arsehole. He got up early this morning and went to work without saying goodbye - which is extremely unusual these days.
So I would like to understand what was going on there, but there's no point asking him. When I asked last night, he started telling me what I was thinking and feeling, and how messed up I was. I understand that's what his opinion is or what he imagines, but I was really wanting to know what was going on in his head, and he won't say that. I did say 'you seemed to be worried or unhappy about something, because you kept repeatedly asking me the same question, even though I answered it, and I didn't understand what was happening and that made me feel very anxious' and he said, 'well, that's not my problem' so I don't think he's that interested in understanding what was going on with me either. I am sure in a couple of days it will have blown over, but it is a bit of a pattern in bed.
This resonated with me in my own experience as the LD partner. It could have been my H writing what you just wrote. And of course I am not your H, but here is 'my side' to the story:
Some innocent flirting on my part is reciprocated and I can tell that made H happy. And I want him to be happy, it makes me feel good about myself to make him react like that. So I keep it up. And because it is morning time/early afternoon, my energy levels are high and I feel frisky. I know it would just make his day if I made some little comment about us being intimate later. So I do, with every intention of fulfilling it. At that moment, I wanted it too.
But then the day progresses and my energy wanes and all the elements that made me feel frisky are gone and I realize I am actually one tired heap of a human. But I promised H, and he is so excited about it, so now I feel guilty. But his sensitivity to my moods make me feel like I am under a microscope (= buzzkill, if there was any buzz left). And I know he wants me to initiate and be the dominate lover, but I just don't have it in me. I also don't have it in me to reject him outright either because I hate disappointing him and I know I am a disappointment in this department right now. So I go along with it, but with so much less enthusiasm than H was expecting (disappointing him) and what I really wanted him to do was just initiate and take charge as usual. But I couldn't say any of this because it all is such a huge, freighted, elephant in the bed between us.
In some less evolved moments, I would pre-empt H's frustration at me by blaming my loss of appetite on something H did (or didn't do) between that sexy text message and the bed in the evening. Just so I wouldn't be 100% to blame.
It is hard for me to write all of this. Seeing it through your eyes has helped me understand how H felt in all of this. On my side, I was struggling with PND (PPD we call it over here), so many pregnancies and births back-to-back and a spouse who traveled a lot for work, leaving me feeling stressed and overworked. I didn't feel sexy. I felt low. And disappointing H made me feel worse, which perpetuated the cycle. After a while, H stopped trying (he later told me he was testing me to see if I would even ever ask for it again... I failed that test).
In the months leading up to BD, I was able to do some work on myself, took some time to examine my mental health and started to work out a lot more, which all increased my libido and for the first time in ages, I felt the stirrings of my sexuality returning. Probably too little too late.
For me, getting sleep and getting out of the routine of babies, house-holding and work always made me feel more sexually alive. If we went away, the first night were always hit or miss (I needed sleep), but the subsequent nights always got better in that department. I know you just went under lockdown, but is there any chance you could schedule a weekend away with H? Just to reconnect (on any level, not just sexually) and give you both a break from daily monotony?
