Concentrating on the Positive

[may22]

Because I have read so much about sex and desire and SSMs, I have no idea where this idea comes from but I know I read it somewhere. Because your H is so uncomfortable communicating about sex -- I read of a situation where the therapist recommended having some code for being interested in sex that might feel more comfortable to him than actually spitting it out verbally. One couple had two small figurines on their dresser, and if one partner was interested in sex that night he/she did something to theirs (stood it up or laid it down, I can't remember) and the other partner could see that and do the same, or not. That way they didn't have to actually talk about it but made their interests known. I also read where one partner would put a tie on the doorknob a la college dorm days.

That probably seems beyond ridiculous and cheesy to you, but as someone who has had a difficult time talking about sex, and it seems like your H has a harder time even than me, some slightly playful and non-verbal communication ritual could really help.

Another thought that i might have shared earlier but I think could be really beneficial to you both is to take a break from expecting sex for awhile. I remember Pommy and her H were doing the sensate focus program and I know there are others out there that mostly are around taking a break from actual sex for a bit and then starting very slow with non-sexual touch only. If I put myself in your H's shoes-- or where I was in the depths of the SSM-- I would have been so happy to do something like this I would have cried (once I got past my immediate feelings of defensiveness). Removing the pressure to have sex or to figure out what the other person wants, and just relax? Enjoying physical touch again without being scared of what it might lead to? It seems like something like that, going back to the basics of just enjoying being together and then slowly ramping back up, working on the communication at each small step rather than throwing him in the deep end, could also be helpful and remove a lot of the hurt and confusion and missing each other's cues that it sounds like dominate right now.

One last thing I've read in a number of places-- they recommend talking about sex on a long car drive, where you don't need to look at each other and you are stuck in one place. Again that might sound crazy to you, but apparently it really helps some people who have a lot of discomfort in talking about sex to share with their partners when they don't need to look directly at them.