New here-heartbroken and confused

[may22]

Hi Rusty,

I also spent a good deal of time with one of MWD's coaches and she also really emphasized the value of feeding the friendship first, that the romance is the fruit of the tree and you need to water the roots of the friendship before you can expect to see fruit. She also really encouraged spending fun family time together. This board is pretty scared of being friend-zoned. If I were you, I'd take all of the advice into account and then decide what makes the most sense for you in your particular situation and what feels right to you.

I think the scariest thing is that I know in my heart that if I stop trying to be so "nice" and I just drop the ball, he will probably just let the divorce proceed. I'm scared of letting go, because I'm pretty sure all hope is lost. Like, yes, he has ratcheted up communication, etc. BUT there's a big difference between increasing his texting and actually wanting to work on the marriage. I feel like I'm grasping at straws

Yes, there is a big difference between increasing his texting and actually wanting to work on the M... but you have to start somewhere! He's not going to get to wanting to work on the M overnight. You have to drop your own expectations about the timeline. MWD talks about setting mini goals and that might be helpful for you. Journaling can also help, so you can look back and see that there may be changes happening that you don't really notice in the day to day. Don't get discouraged just because he isn't ready to R yet. As long as you see small, positive changes, you should feel good that you're moving in the right direction. But you have to be ready for the long haul-- as they say, this is a marathon, not a sprint.

I agree with Sage-- take the long view, drop the pursuit, but do make sure the times you are with your H it is positive and fun. Also, you may have read here about the cat analogy and not wanting to scare the cat away. Don't go overboard and scare him off of additional outreach and time together, especially because he was so skittish in agreeing to come in the first place. Better to leave him wanting more. I would DEFINITELY wait for him to suggest the next thing, if you can.

I also can completely empathize with the resentment that builds up over being taken for granted as a wife and mother. And, while my MIL is actually pretty great, I sometimes felt like my H prioritized her over me. But again here I would say... baby steps. It is not reasonable to expect that he can go from feeling betrayed and angry about you leaving to not only wanting you back but being ready to address all of his own contributions to the problems in your R.

Question: since you did go to MC with him at first, did he take those things seriously then? And when he was motivated to work on the R, did it seem that he was open to making changes then? Or did these things not come up at the time?

I guess I would say that if the issues were brought up then and he was willing to work on them, then he knows they're there and when/if he's wanting back in the M, he'll be willing to re-address them. Until that point, it may be more like fueling his distancing to bring them up. I know in my case, I have held onto a number of the things I don't love so much about my H in my head for fodder in case it doesn't work out. I look at rooms still and envision what they would look like with only my stuff in them and that feels actually good to me. And I'm not willing to address his biggest issue in our MR (the SSM) until/if I believe he is 110% committed to the M and ready to begin piecing. I know for a fact scares him, that he's signing back up for another SSM down the line, but the truth is every time he mentions it it makes me angry and pushes me away, because it feels like he's just making excuses for his own behavior. I could imagine your H might feel the same way, and expecting him to change right now is just adding more pressure.

All to say, just from the perspective of an LBS, asking your H to go from being ready to D and envisioning a life without you as his W-- and actually having experienced it during the S-- to what it sounds like you want, which is him not only wanting to R but also ready to make big and difficult changes, including major changes to his relationship with his mother, to win you back-- is probably unreasonable and you may want to temper those expectations.