Yeah. I do kind of have a unique perspective given how I was the one who initially wanted out and now the roles are reversed. I will say (in case there are any men reading this who are trying to prevent a separation), the main thing that drove me out of the door was the intense questioning, the interrogating, the wanting constant accountings of my time. I was not having an affair and I'm not sure if this was motivated by insecurity on DH's part, but what I really, really needed at that point in our marriage was space. And he could not give me any space. So maybe what he needs now is space? Or maybe he is done. Who knows.
I think that the constant demands on me when I was trying to figure my career and self out really contributed to my leaving. It just felt like a pressure cooker. It wasn't a rational decision.
In re: what makes me want to repair the marriage. I think the children and that DH and I used to be best friends and I do not view marriages as just disposable. That said, there has been so much nastiness in the divorce process. I was the one to get emotional and lose it, but he has tried to hide money, etc. and I believe, perhaps wrongly, that some of his more dubious decisions regarding the divorce, assets, custody, have been at the behest of his family. I always had this feeling deep down that they were not good people. I'm not sure how true that is and I go back and forth on how much of that evaluation is rooted in fact v. in my head. But, if this doesn't work out, perhaps it is for the best. Being married into a family like that is not easy. I've been given the gift of distance and time. And with that comes clarity. But with time and distance also comes a tendency to forget just have difficult a situation can be. And a toxic, enmeshed family became all consuming. So, could I navigate that again and remain a sane, whole person who creates a healthy emotional distance? And what does it say about DH that he seems to be letting them direct so many of his steps?
That said, I played a part and I do owe some sort of amends at some point for the part I played. I share two children with that family. They will always be there in the background regardless of what happens between DH and myself.
I know this: I want to release DH into this world with love and without resentment. I know that that sounds hokey, but I mean that genuinely. The amount of anger and vitriol within me is no good.
