Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" - part 2

[may22]

Hi Tom,

Steve gives good advice about how to distinguish boundaries from controlling behavior. You control you. That's it. But you can remove yourself from a situation where your boundaries are being crossed and you're being hurt. You don't need to say anything to enforce a boundary ahead of time. You just do what you need to do to protect yourself.

Are you in IC? I spent a good amount of time with my IC defining my own boundaries for my own healing and emotional safety, and then working on enforcing them. Your boundaries are going to be YOUR boundaries and they might be different from anyone else's, but that is for you to decide. I don't think anyone here should tell you what your boundaries should be. For instance, I disagree with Steve that PA = D as a boundary for every person. But that's okay. Steve's boundaries are for him, and my boundaries are for me. Your boundaries need to be true and authentic boundaries in order for you to enforce them appropriately. Borrowing ones that people tell you to have is a recipe for letting them be trampled, I think.

So the issue of fair seems to pale against the question -- what is the right thing for me? Do I owe her an easy process moving forward?

No. You don't owe her anything, in my book.

What do you need for your own healing and progress? If a cold text message from her makes you weep and spin, then let her know you'd like to communicate exclusively by email and stop responding to her texts until she stops texting you, or block her. Figure out what you need and then protect that space for yourself.

With your friends-- if I were you I'd give them the benefit of the doubt. You may be reading things into their responses that aren't meant that way. People sometimes feel uncomfortable about D and they may just not know what to say to you right now, not that they have heard anything from your W about you. Reach out when you're ready.

With your kids-- I agree with Steve to be as flexible as you can to support them. It is hard enough to deal with competing in-laws for holidays and I'm sure having freshly Ded parents adds a whole extra layer of difficulty to the mix, and they will be having a hard enough time dealing with it on their own. Have you talked with each of them about what they are thinking for the holidays? It may be best to understand where they are and what plans they've already made or are thinking of making, what their other obligations might be, before proposing something to your W (should you decide that is the best route to go). Note that if she's been the primary communicator with them about plans like this when you were M it may feel strange for you to jump into that role, but if I were you I'd far rather be active in the plans than wait for them to be made for you. Which very well might happen if you wait too long.