Hey all, an update.

I’ve had a bit of an internal breakthrough recently, I think something clicked and I’m starting to “get” detachment.

At the same time I’ve been learning a lot about what Brian Begin from Fearless Man calls releasing, or letting out stored emotions in the body. It’s very similar to Buddhist practices I’m used to, but releasing is also something that is just starting to “click” for me. I’m realizing how much stored trauma I have in my body, and I’m learning to let it out a bit at a time and make space for whatever is... not trauma. Courage. Hope?

Took the kids for a road trip yesterday to the mountains. Stopped for not one but TWO ice cream cones, hamburgers, and took grandpa along. We hiked up the side of a mountain and threw rocks as far as we could down the side. My kids kicked up dirt clouds and we found cool sticks. Halloween was fun, we stayed in and ate popcorn and wore costumes and watched old cartoons.

Last week, I decided to take time off of work each day to be there for my older son’s school lessons. I figure - let’s say we split up, I’d have them a few days or a week at a time anyway, and I would need to arrange for schooling. So while we’re NOT split up, I might as well make the time NOW. My wife noticed I was being more present and asked, “why are you suddenly getting more involved with the kids?” I didn’t think, I just said “I’m making some changes. There are some things I don’t like about myself and I’ve decided to become a better father.” That ended the discussion on a confused note.

Last night she texted me at midnight (I was asleep, got it this morning) that, to paraphrase: “I sense something major has shifted in you (us). I feel like you’re shielding the kids from me, taking them out places and getting them ice cream, like I’m the bad guy/bad mother for not doing that when I’m out with them. I’m bothered you took them to a mountain without consulting me during Covid.” (Which, I did tell her - but I was being a bit catty about the destination at first and she interpreted that as me, I don’t know, shielding my decisions from her because she’s a bad mom? Anyway, mistakes made on my part, and lesson learned.)

But what I find interesting is the “I sense something has shifted in you/us.” My first instinct is that detaching is finally starting to work. This felt like the first little 1% of her realizing the game has changed and she doesn’t like the loss of control. She also said in her message that “she is up against tons of challenges and just trying to be the best mom she can, even though she’s human and is failing, and she wants me to know she’s trying her best.”

There was a lot of victim hood in that message, a lot of poor me, but what I heard was “something is different, you’re acting different, I’m losing control and I don’t know what to do.”

Analytically, it worries me, makes me feel like I’m pushing her away and this is me somehow cutting ties slowly. As per the DR book though, my gut is taking this a s a good sign that the balance has shifted and she’s unsure of my emotional state.