Tom, remember the DB principle of focusing on what you can control. You cannot control what she says to other people. You cannot control how other people react to what she says. So stop focusing on that. True friends are true friends. Friends that evade you because STBXW said you were mean aren't true friends.

Boundaries are not about controlling others, it is about deciding before hand what you will do! The example I always give is a boundary I think every spouse should have:

-If my spouse physically cheats on me I will go file for D.

Notice, this is not a boundary that says "YOU CANNOT CHEAT ON ME". That would non-enforceable. What it does do is set what YOUR ACTION will be if the boundary is crossed.

-If my WAS starts treating me disrespectfully I will stand up for myself "I refuse to stand her and be spoken to like that.", and walkaway.

Notice, you can't control your spouse's behavior, but you can control your action once the boundary is crossed.

I am a big fan of email only communication for folks that are in the advanced stages of a sitch like yours. Then every word will be established. The other two (indirect through attorneys and 2 on 2) are fine too, but can get expensive in a hurry. Attorney hourly rates are ridiculous.

Arranging time with the kids for the holidays is going to be an issue for years. My advice is to bend-over backwards to accommodate your kids. Do not put a premium on the day, just the time spent. "Dad, mom is insisting on getting together for Christmas Eve, and we have my spouse's side on Christmas. Could we do Christmas with you on Saturday?" Accommodate that. Do not get into the game of "Your mom gets Christmas Eve she is more important to than I am!" Be the bigger person. The time with your kids (and grandkids assuming you have some) is the important thing, not the day. The problems always arise when pettiness rules the day. Remember, your adult kids are caught in the middle of juggling all of this. Make it as easy for them as possible.

M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018