It went really well. Everyone had a really good time, it felt easy and comfortable. I found my emotional footing and led by example, of how I wanted to be treated and how I wanted others to treat H. And the best part was how absolutely delighted birthday child was with the whole thing. It was one tiny light in this whole Covid mess-- that birthday child got to be the center of attention on his actual birthday.
Some parents and the children from the party had planned an outing today and I asked H last night if he wanted to come along. He did and afterwards we spent some time as a family picking out child's promised gift (he got to pick it out instead of us giving it to him yesterday). We haven't been together like this in a long time and it felt easy and normal. We looked like a normal family for a minute-- at one point both of us were holding one side of our D's hands. It felt metaphorical: we may not be able to show love directly to each other, but we can show love and respect through these beautiful humans that were made through our love.
I don't feel triggered by H nearly as much anymore. We had one slip up a couple of days ago where H started to show some intense emotions that seemed disproportionate to what we were discussing. The old me would have taken his emotions personally and reacted from a place of hurt, as he was accusing me of something that I felt I shouldn't have to justify, but instead I was able to take a deep breath and tried to dig deeper to see where he was coming from. I don't know if I completely understood the root of his feelings, but I felt capable of defusing the situation and validating and we left the situation in a place where we both felt understood. That was a huge boost for me-- it showed me I am capable of taking a path that helps both of us feel good about the other.
Detachment for me has allowed me a lot of space to feel safe in my R with H, whatever that R looks like. I am no longer in the trees, and for the most part I can stay at 30,000' and see the forest. Will I vacillate and have ups and downs? No doubt. But each interaction is teaching me that I can do this. I am deeply invested in deconstructing my ego and trying to see things from a different narrative. At the end of the day if nothing changes in my R, I will have used this time to find the best me.
Wayfarer, it is so lovely to see you here. Thanks for your insight and wisdom, as usual.
Originally Posted by wayfarer
To be honest looking back on all the WH stuff I've read through here and other places, that deep insecurity seems to be a really common thread. And it's a monster none of us have a chance of beating unless WHs are willing to work on themselves and own it.
I couldn't agree more. 14 years of trying to fill a cup that had leaks in it turns out to be a lesson in futility. Only the individual is capable of plugging those holes that were created in childhood; no one else can do it for us. Stepping back and examining the leaks in my own cup is all I am in charge of at this time. That, and trying to give my children the tools and resiliency to fix their own holes when it comes time for them to examine their cup of life.
