New here-heartbroken and confused

[may22]

hi Rustymom,

Hope you are doing OK and I'm so sorry you are here. I have a few thoughts for you to take or leave:

Regarding your H being unwilling to try again-- something I've learned here is that people all have different tolerances for what they are willing to take. For me, I have felt really, really strongly that my H actually leaving-- walking out the door-- was crossing a major and unforgivable line for me, and he had a 2 year PA. I have come to realize talking with people here that my stance bewilders a lot of them-- how could I consider forgiving my H for a 2 year affair but not for separating, when lots of people have concrete examples of separation being invaluable for healing and growth? All I mean by this is that your H could have been incredibly hurt and enraged by you actually leaving and filing, maybe more so than you would have been had things been reversed. For many of LBSs, when you get pushed far enough, anger really kicks in and you see people really leaning on anger and focusing on all the terrible traits of their S and why they are better off without them. I have definitely been in that space (and even now am still struggling with it even though my H is still here and technically wanting to reconcile).

Anyway, it may be that your actually leaving really broke him, maybe he is still in the anger phase, and I'm sure your MIL is feeding it. How he feels, of course, is out of your control. But it may just not be that he's done. Maybe he's still just really hurt and angry and got to a place where he felt he could be healthy and whole without you, and now he's scared to open himself back up to being hurt again. I don't know if that helps or not, and it doesn't really change anything in terms of what you should or shouldn't do... just an observation from the place of an LBS.

I want to add that DH and I had a lovely night taking the kids out for trick or treating. We dressed in matching family costumes and had a lot of good laughs. He loved the dinner I brought and tried to get me to stay longer. He has been reaching out more and lingering since I have withdrawn and focused more on myself and my growth

This is great! And should tell you to keep doing what you are doing. Don't stop!!! I'd say you want at least a few weeks of this under your belt and observing how he responds before you change anything up.

What do you guys do when you want to text? I've been in the habit of texting DH multiple times a day and I have recently stopped. It feels like I'm losing him by not texting. Like I'm losing the little contact that we did have.

So first... refer to your post just before this one... he is reaching out more and more! He tried to get you to stay later! Do you see how your stopping texting him all the time is probably giving him the space he needs to actually miss you and want to reach out to connect? So again... why stop what is working? Don't! He may start texting YOU more. But if you don't give him the opportunity to miss you and miss your texts, he will never be motivated to reach out himself.

In the extreme-- and it doesn't seem like your H is in this headspace right now, but I know there were times when my H was-- texting him might have felt like "connecting" to me, but probably felt annoying to him. The last thing you want him to think about you is annoying or pestering. So don't give him that opportunity. I'd be very careful in how you respond, too, when he texts you-- don't go overboard in response. Sometimes a thumbs up emoji or a "thanks!" is all you need. Find a friend to text instead when you feel the need to reach out.

I think you're in good shape, Rusty, I totally do.