Those are good suggestions, May - thank you. And I am glad me posting on my thread is helpful. Sometimes I feel like I'm just banging on about myself the whole time, but I don't mean it selfishly - it's just my experience is really the only thing I can offer you as I don't have any specialist knowledge - not marriage therapist or a counsellor or anything like that, just someone who has walked a similar path and has thought about it a lot. You must always feel free to take what is useful to you (if anything) and totally ignore the rest as not relevant.

I think the way this forum is set up is that we are all going to focus on the negatives: in the early days we're advised (rightly, I think) not to say much to the spouse, and not to go into too much detail with friends. But we're also angry and hurt and that needs to go somewhere. And then as things progress (for some of us) then there's the feeling that we need to keep an eye on things, to watch out that things don't go back to the way they were. I do think that's understandable, and even healthy in some ways, but for me - well, I need to work on trusting my H's changes and not reading the worst possible motivation into everything he does. That's really, really difficult for me, and right now, with things slowly getting better, I don't need someone else telling me he's probably just manipulating me, he can't be trusted, I should be protecting myself further. I think those things already, all the time, and they cause problems in my marriage, and I am perfectly capable of leaving and divorcing him if I need to. I want it to work, and that means concentrating on my own changes and trusting his, and part of the change I need to make is to stop relentlessly concentrating on his flaws (which will always exist, as will mine) and the difficult parts of our relationship.

So, here is the weekly update. We have had a really nice week. He's been working hard, but also really present in the house when he is here, having fun with the kids - there has been laughter, and when I think of how poor the relationship between him and Eldest has been, I'd never imagine I'd see them sharing a joke together or Eldest just going to where his father is and spontaneously hugging him - and there's been a lot of that this week. He's also been texting me during the day, just to see how I am and if there's anything I can do for him. He is tired but he looks happy and that's lovely to see. He wants to come to bed at the same time as me, and he isn't drinking. He applied for a change in his working hours to make things a bit easier on himself and all of us, and he was so nervous about that. He was pretty irritable in the days before he found out (he was successful!) but not in a way that was abusive or upsetting - just grumpy - and what was different was that afterwards he said, without any prompting from me, that the stress of not knowing and waiting for the answer had been really getting to him. All good things. I can also see that he is involved and regularly planning for our future: we're hoping to move house soon. We are both quite well paid, and we've always lived in tiny, cheap places. Mainly because of me: I wanted always to be able to afford all the costs on my single salary (you see how deeply ingrained my trust issues are...) just in case anything happened and he left. But now this house is clearly too small for us, and we're facing another lock down and me working at home long term, and it feels like a good time to invest some of our savings and upsize a little. And he's really excited about that. And not just about the material aspect of getting a bigger and nicer place to life - though that is part of it for both of us - but also he's telling me the things he's imagining us doing together, and how it will be to live there once the kids are older or gone, and that's new and I like it.

Last night was difficult. He'd been working all day, and had texted me a few times flirtatiously to let me know he was looking forward to getting in bed that night. I cooked something light and nice for him to have when he got home, and we got to bed and he was hugging and holding me and being very affectionate. He kept asking me if I was all right, and what I wanted, and I said I was fine, and I just wanted this, what we were doing, and he kept asking me, so I said I was confused about what he was asking - could he be more specific about what was worrying him or what he wanted - and he got really frustrated with me. So he got up and went downstairs, and came up half an hour later and said I was totally messed up, and there was nothing he could do right. It didn't really escalate, we went to sleep. I guess at the time I was feeling, before he got frustrated, that there was clearly something he wanted me to do or not do and I had no idea what it was, and I wish he'd ask me, and when he got frustrated and started speaking a bit unkindly to me, I thought - ah, so you're nice to me when you're getting what you want, but when you don't get what you want (and I have no idea what that is) then the real self comes through - this sulky, mean, arsehole. He got up early this morning and went to work without saying goodbye - which is extremely unusual these days.

So I would like to understand what was going on there, but there's no point asking him. When I asked last night, he started telling me what I was thinking and feeling, and how messed up I was. I understand that's what his opinion is or what he imagines, but I was really wanting to know what was going on in his head, and he won't say that. I did say 'you seemed to be worried or unhappy about something, because you kept repeatedly asking me the same question, even though I answered it, and I didn't understand what was happening and that made me feel very anxious' and he said, 'well, that's not my problem' so I don't think he's that interested in understanding what was going on with me either. I am sure in a couple of days it will have blown over, but it is a bit of a pattern in bed.

The bedroom is still very very difficult. If I initiate, everything goes fine, except he's more likely than not to turn me down. If he initiates (and I don't really know if that's what was even actually happening last night) then he seems to very quickly get annoyed if I am not immediately responsive, but also is totally reluctant to communicate about what it is that he wants. It makes no sense to me. My own feelings don't really make sense to me either - I have missed that type of closeness between us for years and years and I do see he is trying to make the effort. But that effort is pretty mechanical - he's not demonstrating any desire for anything in particular, it just appears that he's doing what he needs to do to keep me happy. Last night he was holding me and stroking my back and I was reciprocating, but he didn't seem to want anything else, or at least, he was expecting me to move things along - I don't know what was happening. I do know I felt a sense of dread. That there was something he was expecting or wanting, and I didn't know what it was, and if I didn't work it out and provide it, there would be trouble. And that is pretty much what happened.