Thank you! So much of this is accurate. I think you hit the nail on the head with his pride. When I walked out that door, something inside him switched. Months earlier he had been desperately scrambling to save the marriage. Reading self help books, going to therapy, stepping up with the kids. And I think it's his mom too. But, I have to own part of him running to his mom. Where else was he going to go. His wife walked out with the kids. He was probably despondent. Of course his family swept him into their arms. That's what families do.
I don't know how I would handle MIL if I reconciled. I don't know all the right things to do, but I do clearly, clearly recognize some things that I did incorrectly: 1) I absolutely should not have harped on how mad I was at MIL with DH. That is his mother. Towards the end, he was setting boundaries. Any resentments I felt the need to discuss should have been discussed with girlfriends or a therapist. He did not need to hear over and over again about how she wronged me. 2) Towards the end I became unnecessarily hard nosed and just said "no" to everything because I had had enough of being pushed around. This was reactionary and unnecessarily hard nosed. I could have tried to find more of a middle ground. 3) She's not a monster. Yes, she put me through hell. But, at her core, she's a very insecure woman who is terrified of losing control and who feels the need to dominate to feel secure. I wish I had approached my issues with her from this perspective. But that's hard when someone is bullying you. Very, very hard 4) I gave her way. way too much power by carrying all that resentment and taking everything she did so personally. She would do the same with any woman DH married.
Also, thank you for all of your kind words and tough, but fair, love. It's more helpful then you realize
