But, as I said earlier, I have asked repeatedly for forgiveness and the ball is in his court now.
His pride may be part of the problem at this time. That, and his mom whispering in his ear.
I doubt his mother will ever change. I tried talking face to face with my MIL. I tried to get my H to see how she was treating me. I tried being the perfect DIL, just to win favor with her. But nothing worked. The most hurtful part was her sneaky methods of trying to turn my own children against me. She would call right after dinner every night, to talk to the kids. She would pick and drill them, and throw in her nasty remarks to make them think I was a bad mother. When I tried talking to my H, he felt trapped between his mother and his W. When my kids were almost grown, I decided it was okay if my H and kids wanted to go to her house and spend time with his extended family....but I didn't have to go. I never tried to stop him, or make him choose between us. I simply wanted him to stand up to her when she was running her mouth about me.
Finally, I decided I had to protect myself from her terrible criticism, so I chose to pull back and not go over to her house. Not being exposed to that environment helped me. She treated the other DIL's pretty much the same way, but they just took it. I was the only one who had ever stood up to her. You know what kills me? For years, I had worked like a dog for her acceptance.......but it did not change anything. So, I removed myself from the family gossip and I wouldn't ask the kids what she was saying about me. Finally, one day she shows up at my house, and honestly, I can't remember what she said, but I clearly remember what my H told her. She asked him how he felt about the situation, and he told her that he dearly loved both of us, but he would support his wife. I'll never forget the look of shock on her face! She thought he would tell me I was wrong, yada, yada. She behaved like a woman who wanted to be top priority in the lives of her adult children and grandchildren. Things were a little better after that, and I would occasionally go with him to see her, but I maintained a certain emotional distance so I wouldn't get drawn back into a toxin situation. If I became uncomfortable, I left. I stopped trying to win my case to get my H to see how rotten his mother was and the pain she caused me. If he went over there every day (and he did), I didn't say anything or act puffed up about it. Those days were over for me.
I am embarrassed to admit this, but I'm going to say it anyway. During the worst times, I secretly thought that once she died then she would be out of lives and we would be free......and happy. She lived to be 90!!
I don't know what all went down between you and MIL. I don't know that a letter of apology will change how your MIL behaves toward you. Some people hold apologies and letters over your head for the rest of time on earth. Her behavior won't stop, just b/c you apologize. We see LBS's wanting to send letters to their spouses, and regardless of what they tell the board.......they do have some level of expectations from their spouse. If you are wanting to apologize to her as a means of softening your H.........I would wait on sending the letter.
Like me, I'm sure you had your share of faults, but according to your story, you felt harassed to the point you wanted to run to a safe place. Thank goodness you have a loving (and smart) mother. I think the fact your H was working really hard the last six months, and then refused to let you go back home, suggests a few things. His pride was probably wounded. Nothing is more fragile than a man's ego. Men don't think like we do, so it's a little difficult to know if they won't tell us. Maybe he felt he gave it all he had those six months, and you left anyway......so refusing to let you back, could be him wanting you to feel the sting. I still suspect your MIL is hounded his ears about what he should do and not do. Begging to go back home, is a turn-off. Nothing has changed, and you'll walk right back into the harassment. So, let's talk about a couple of things you can do, okay?
I suggest you get IC, b/c you've need guidance in sorting your feelings; know how to deal with the people in your day to day life; and your personal choices, before you do anything else. Don't tell your H to get counseling, b/c that has to be his choice. This is for you.
I feel the lines between the pain your H has caused and the pain your MIL has caused........becomes the same. It's hard to see one without the other. Having a professional therapist to help you during this time could prove to be life changing for you. Here's the thing, Rusty. Your MIL probably won't ever change, so you need to learn how to go on with your MR, and your life........knowing she is not going to change. You need to know how to deal with a toxic person.
I think you've seen that begging doesn't soften your H, so what do you do next? I suggest you take the pressure off him. Groveling is not only unattractive, but it dumps pressure on him, and he's resisting it. He's angry, so back away and give him space to deal with his feelings. If he come over, don't be cold or act mad. Just be gracious, poised, and pleasant. Whether he's there for two minutes or two hours, you don't start on him about letting you go back. Let him lead the conversation, and if he has nothing much to say.......don't feel you should jump in a fill the gaps. Actually, I find it a bit hopeful when he brought you something to eat. The problem I foresee with you, is taking it too far. It's just one little thing he did. If he hated your guts, I doubt he would carry food to you. So, just be nice and don't dive into relationship talks. This is extremely important.
It make take months before reconciliation occurs. That's okay, and even better when you are actively growing as an individual. It gives the relationship a better chance, IMHO. Give him time apart from you. Both of you seem to need a break from the tension and drama. Really take time to think about your values and what you will and won't tolerate in relationships. Sometime, love alone does not solve all problems. New skills are needed to know how to work through the problems successfully.
I applaud you for taking practical steps in getting medical assistance for your ADHD. I believe this could be a key factor in turning your life around.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
