Concentrating on the Positive

[may22]

Hi Alison,

I feel we've been doing all our conversation on my thread and I wanted to concentrate on you for a bit, you've been so generous with me. I think this is all really, really positive and hopeful. There really has been such a shift in your tone in your postings, how you talk about your H and how you feel about your M.

A couple of thoughts for you. From my thread you'd posted this:

When we get into that cycle now, it is much much less intense and we're a little bit better and just backing off and putting some air into the situation. He needs space, I need connection, and I still get a bit annoyed that we have to do SPACE (what he wants = space to be alone and safe from my feelings) before CONNECTION (what I want - evidence that he cares, that he understands, that he feels empathic towards me).

Sometimes I think - okay, I respect that you can't do connection right now, but why can't you understand that I can't do space right now? But that is the way that it is - that's how boundaries work - when he needs space there's not a thing I can or should do about it other than respect that, and he does make efforts to show empathy these days, which is new, and which I need to work on trusting and accepting.

I wonder if you two can devise some little code he can give you when he's feeling that he needs space, to communicate to you he loves you and give you that little dose of connection? Like, he could just touch your arm in the moment, and you'll have agreed that that touch means I love you, I know you need connection and I'm here, but I can't do more at the moment. Something small that he can handle even when he's overwhelmed. I feel that might help you both, if you can make it work.

And on the 'why do I have to be the one to go first but if it isn't me we might be here forever' front, do I remember correctly that acts of service is his primary LL? To the extent you feel like it... I wonder, if in these moments when he's needing space and having a difficult time, if you feel empathy for him maybe you could show it with a small act of service, like making him a cup of tea and then leaving it by his side without saying anything, and going about your business. A small gesture of communication and love in the way that he hears, without overwhelming him on the connection/PT side.

And a small challenge for you given the title of your thread... maybe on this thread, if you do a weekly update post like you have in the past-- can you begin each one with something positive? Something you're grateful for in your R with your H, something he did that made you happy? It really is all too easy here to focus on the negative, because that is part of why we're here, and (at least for me) I feel sometimes like if I come across as interpreting my H's behavior too positively, I'll get jumped on by the vets. It definitely isn't en vogue around here to linger on the positive, unless you're 5 years into piecing and even then the focus is more on the hard work than the fruits of the labor. But I think it is good and healthy to celebrate the positives. It doesn't mean you're ignoring the negatives. But that you can take the good for what it is, enjoy it and bask in it and be glad for the love and positive things this person has brought into your life.

xx M