Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" - part 2

[may22]

hi Tom,

You posted on someone else's thread asking me about boundaries in your situation... yes, boundaries are important for everyone, no matter what their situation is. I'd read the boundary thread carefully if you haven't already, and then spend some time thinking about whether your behavior is there to protect you (healthy boundary) or there to control your W's behavior (not a boundary, but a controlling behavior. I read a lot of controlling tendencies in your descriptions of your interactions with your W. Something to think about.).

When I read your above question, it feels to me, though I might be reading this incorrectly, that you are not responding to her emails to punish her and feel in control of the situation, not to protect yourself because any interaction with her is painful. And, you're hurt that her communication is all business, not about your relationship.

You might read through Unchien's threads. He's going through a pretty nasty D right now and his W made up some terrible accusations. I thought of his thread (and DnJ's on the MLC board, whose W made an announcement on Thanksgiving and walked out the door and that was it) when reading through yours, as situations you might identify with. I read earlier you feeling the need to understand why your W did what she did (I can identify with this too). I think Unchien's thread might really help you to let go, and also how to set boundaries to protect yourself without spending time or energy thinking how enforcing those boundaries might be perceived by your W. He's secure in knowing that he is doing the right thing and has let go of the need to understand or control his W's narrative.

I guess in your exact situation, I would first understand what your own boundaries are around communication. If any communication would send you into a tailspin, keep ignoring her emails for your own protection. But, if it wouldn't hurt you to respond that she can have the old knife set and leave it out for her to pick up, why wouldn't you do that? Wouldn't you want her to treat you the same way? Modeling the kind of behavior you'd like to see, and being true to yourself-- not being petty towards her just to prove some point or because she was petty towards you first-- seems like the right thing to do (as long as you can do it whilst still enforcing your own boundaries). It takes two to tango. Truly dropping the rope means not ignoring her in order to control the situation or punish her. It means you're fine, no matter what, and a polite request from her doesn't anger you, or depress you because it isn't the communication you want to hear from her.

hang in there, Tom. I know this is all really, really hard. But you'll get through it.