A day at a time

[may22]

thought it was very strange and unhealthy that you'd pretend to be asleep when he'd initiate sex with you, and that you'd both agree not to have sex but also be having sex. If he initiates touch or sex and you want to reciprocate, then go ahead. If you don't want to, then you can decline gracefully.

I know it sounds crazy. He says he's asleep in the times that he initiates in the middle of the night, that he isn't fully awake when it happens. He is uncomfortable with this and so am I-- he doesn't like not feeling in control. It isn't like he's verbalizing anything... it is more that he touches me and I know I could move it in one direction by responding. If I don't respond by pretending to be asleep, his hand falls away after a very short time and I think it was just like a waking dream and he rolls over. Sometimes, I've waited and he clearly wakes up and continues and then I will either respond if I feel like it or, if I don't, I'll taken his hand and firmly placed it off of my body and that is my way of saying no, not now.

Also, this should show you how infrequently we generally touch... and this was the case during the SSM too... that a touch of his hand on my leg or stomach-- not exactly party town-- equals him initiating. This isn't what I want in my life in the long term, by any means, but it is our starting place. And there is a long history of me FREEZING when this happened, the dread knotting in my stomach, trying to figure out what to say to him to avoid it escalating. I feel awful for both of us even putting myself back in that position mentally. (And since both you and WF are the HD partners, you guys are probably like whaaaat is she even talking about???)

In any case, he has zero recollection of any of this when he wakes up if nothing happens. Zero. So maybe it is avoidance on my part, but simply not responding in these moments feels like my best course of action, sometimes, especially given our history.

The agreeing not to have sex but sometimes doing it feels a little like we're "breaking the rules" and being naughty and having fun together. Our IC has said to both of us individually she thinks adding sex to the mix with everything else going on is not a good idea, so it has a little of the thumbing your nose at the authority figure there. IDK. It doesn't bother me, and we haven't had a situation where I feel like I've hurt his feelings in saying no, yet, or that I feel pressured into saying yes. It has been fun and uncomplicated and like breaks from all the other heavy stuff. I guess in my mind we will get to a place (if we do) where we're piecing, and then we will talk about the SSM and how we want to handle reestablishing physical intimacy between us in a deliberate way, and these little interludes are like mini vacations from real life that don't count.

Regarding the non-sexual touching... I'd like to respond. I want so badly to, but my natural instinct is to freeze right now because it is so unusual, I'm wondering what it means, I'm wondering it I'm opening myself up to be hurt again, all those things run through my head and then I've missed the opportunity to respond naturally in the moment. I'm also scared of spooking him-- like you say, WF. I think keeping a step below his energy is key, and just trying to reciprocate, if I can and want to, and see how that goes.

Wayfarer, I also think accepting that he's doing any of this because he *wants to* feels so unusual to me, because I've totally internalized what he's said to me about not being in love with me, etc. So I'm having a hard time believing he wants this, he must have some reason, which might be "trying" which might be OK but not that he actually feels that way. Is that how you felt?

Thanks, both. I really appreciate your thoughtful responses. This is hard and I feel like I'm working through a LOT this week.