Let me ask you something. Do you see this, H and his new behaviour, as positive? As steps forward?
Do you remember reading MWD’s DB? And the solutions journal? Wouldn’t these new behaviours be seen as good steps?
It is only 6 days. And it is only a bit of speaking. And showing consideration for the the dogs. And telling D25 goodbye. Still, H had a conversation with you. Yay.
MLCers do tend to unwind themselves in the reverse order of those they hurt the most. As in reconnect with pets first, friends, kids, then lastly LBS. From least risky and most likely to accept them to the person they betrayed and were most unfaithful to.
A lot of times this happens in small spurts. Little peaks out of the tunnel; like a scared squirrel. You are not pressuring, not yelling, not flailing around all mad; you are being a nice safe place to land. So the squirrel is still here; he hasn’t ran off.
What does it all mean? Sorry, it is too early to tell. However, I do believe these are positive steps for him. Well, of course these are. He is somewhat reconnecting with his daughter and you.
I do not believe the best way is complete detachment. Nor complete indifference. A person within a mental and emotional crisis mostly wants to be heard. They want and need a connection. At first that cannot be with the LBS, for we are the very bane of the MLCer’s existence. They have projected much upon us. With time and space, and fate, and karma, and no small amount of luck, some actually look within themselves. And of those, some do their inner work.
Is H one of those lucky few? Perhaps.
You need to keep you expectations low. H will not meet them, not yet, not for a while. And unmet expectations will create resentment.
You need to lower your indifference, your detachment, your protective walls - just a bit. I know you have empathy for H. You have understanding. Compassion. Maybe even some forgiveness. H will have a very hard time believing that. It will take time, and small steps for him to see that. You must go very slowly. Let him lead the pace.
Dig very deep for patience and lead your life. Live and demonstrate your beliefs. He is watching you. He is following you. It’s ok to invite him to be beside you once and a while. Depressed people really desire to be on a better path, to be in a better place. Seeing someone happy and loving life is quite a draw. Be a beacon. And by the way, a lighthouse shines; it’s the ships that follow. Remember your role in all of this. You cannot make him, he must want too, he must decide too.
And as things progress H will become more comfortable and share more and more with you. He will also test you. Keep your values and boundaries of respectful interactions. Those tests are much like those from a teenager. They need to know that we will love and support them, even when they fail, especially when they fail.
A MLCer has a difficult road back, and I suspect they would have a very hard time believing we could forgive them. Live well and (slowly) show him different.
H is interested in you. Curious of the person you have become. Keep moving forward and let him catch up. The door is ajar, and he might even want to walk though it. Stay calm and live with peace and gentleness. No sudden moves PLC, and lets see where this goes.
And by the way, you are DBing just fine.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
