New here-heartbroken and confused

[sandi2]

Honestly, it makes me so angry. I actually am a high value woman. And while I probably shouldn't have walked out, I took A LOT in that marriage. More than I think most women would. It wasn't like I cheated and ran off. I've read other threads about guys wishing their WAW would come back begging, but I have done that repeatedly starting very early in the separation. At some point, you have to move on. And I think I'm beyond that point. I think I'll use my time on this board and in divorce busters coaching focusing on improving myself and putting DH behind me. The truth is, everyone in the marriage made mistakes. I need to put my resentment at his family behind me for my own wellbeing. And just let him go.

Then conduct yourself like a high value woman! Honestly, I'm questioning if your recent actions send the message of a high value woman, or is it that of a game playing, manipulative girl. You left b/c your feelings were hurt, and now you admit you've begged him to let you back. But he's not having it. You are chasing the man down, groveling at his feet. A man and his mother, according to your first post, who made you miserable. One minute you are begging him, and the next you say you just need to put everything behind you and let him go.

One issue I have had (which I think a lot of WAWs have) is that I've made impetuous, reactive decisions based on extreme hurt. I don't say this to excuse my behavoir, but when you are deeply, deeply hurt it is very hard to become centered and just stay the course.

Yes, I agree. And b/c you've made impetuous, reactive decisions based on your feelings at that time, may I suggest you be very careful about the advice you give fellow board members.

Since leaving, I've also made friends with a lot of other women in their late 30s and early 40s who were WAWs, so think of me as your WAW wife spy (sorry, gallows humor I suppose). Honestly, their levels of guilt and accountability run the gamut. I'm probably on the more repentant and traditional side. I never, ever thought I'd get here. Ever. I do not take this lightly.

Were you hanging out with anyone in this group of WAW's when you made the decision to leave your H? You say you are probably on the more repentant side. What does that mean? What have you done that requires repentance?

Here's the thing, Rusty, I think you were listening to women bad mouth men, and it encouraged or influenced your decision to get out of the crappy situation you were tolerating in your M. Maybe one of them suggested you were being treated like a servant, IDK. I do know that some women leave and secretly hope it inspires the H to see the erring of his ways and pledge to do whatever is necessary to get her back. However, when your H didn't go after you, you started regretting your decision, and probably started missing your home and the family atmosphere. I mean, nothing changed, right? Whatever it is, you know the truth behind it. You don't have to listen to a group of women who are filled with guilt & regret and no longer have a H to love them. If you really were a high, self-valued woman, you would have better things to do than listen to women who try to persuade others that the traditional role of wife & mother is outdated, undervalued, and is for the dimwitted who don't have a career.

One universal theme I hear from WAWs is that being a wife and mother is hard. Really hard. I know a lot of guys don't want to hear this, but the amount of work that goes into it and the low level of recognition women often receive from their husbands is difficult. Especially when the kids are young. Your career suffers, your dreams get put on hold, your entire identity becomes being a support system for your husband and children. You tend to lose yourself. I'm not saying that men don't suffer too. But this is the woman's perspective.

Universal theme from WAW's? I'm sorry, but it sounds more like script taken from one of the feminist rallies. Look, I don't doubt this group of women include WAW's, WW's and MLCW's......... but please don't allow their sour grape attitudes to influence how you look at life and how your heart feels for your spouse and the M. The more you listen to them, the more it will affect you in negative ways. I'm not saying you can't get encouragement and healthy guidance from someone else, but just consider the source........even on a board.

Are you close to your mother, and can you talk about your feelings and struggles with your H and MIL?

Okay, I've talked your ears off today, so I'll call it a night. Take care of yourself. ((hugs))