1st text... he feels he was trying to be someone he thought I needed him to be rather than being truthful to who he was... therefore he failed me and was trying to say I was not solely to blame for the implosion of our marriage.
2nd text... because he was not true to himself he was just angry all the time... and he failed himself... ie is taking the blame for it over my failing him. His eyes are open and he will not put himself in that position again.... this is consistent with what he told me at BD.... he will never give me the chance to hurt him again. If he risked it and I hurt him again he would never survive.
3rd text.... threw me for a freaking loop.. He learned something new about himself... he loves playing?? I won't lie I had to ask "playing?"... then he clarified being child like, goofy.
Ok, we used to be that way... we had stupid nick names and did stupid stuff in the store together... but parenting and work and I got so freaking stuck in my head... yes I withdrew... yes he was miserable.
So stupidly I texted ... we used to... I want to... I realize that now.... that was dumb of me but the whole playing text was unexpected.
4th text... I have no clue... I'm grateful he has peace but what the heck does "do I want him to look backward?" Well of course I do. We had 10yr and it wasn't all bad. What does "what do we have to offer each other" I don't get that either. He doesn't see value in me?
^^^^ I said nothing... I'm perplexed and stayed silent.
As for who my husband became when he figured out his true self... when we married we both wanted a lakehouse to retire too... over the years my husband got more into hunting. Right now his dream is to backpack a year in Brooks Ridge and live off the land for year. Do a hunt in Africa. I felt I supported him in these things but perhaps he still felt I was holding him back? Or maybe he felt guilt for no longer wanting a lakehouse???
IDK... I can say I respected my husband for his personal journey to what he felt was the best version of him but he was still conflicted I wouldn't want to be with him??? I mean I can't ask him so I'm just perplexed. Yes, I would have loved the man he feels destined to be... I was NOT running from him and whether he realizes it or not I knew these changes BEFORE he left. I do not LOVE that he left and hooked up with OW... perhaps he feels she can support and live his dreams but I cannot??? Again, can't ask so won't know.
