New here-heartbroken and confused

[sandi2]

Hi, Rustymom. My heart goes out to you with the MIL issue. I married a mama's boy and I felt he made her priority over me. It does cause tremendous resentment, which can lead to many other negative feelings. It would be many years later when my mindset/heart went wayward, but the disrespect & resentment started in the first year of my M. His mother was a strong influencer in the family. I felt he did not stick up for me when she would tear me down behind my back, and that caused more problems in our MR.

I walked out due to what I felt was constant criticism, the mounting demands of his family, and treating me like a servant.

Just so I understand, was the criticism coming from members of his family......or your H and MIL?

From the start, DH has always been a very organized, particular, demanding and controlling person. My ADHD drove him crazy. I would try and try harder to do things correctly, but I’d always fall short.

In the quote above, it sounds as if you tried hard to do things the way your H (and maybe MIL) wanted it done.......but it didn't measure up to their expectations or standards. Were you living under the same roof with his mother?

Rustymom, do the lines between your H's criticism and your MIL's criticism begin to mesh together? In other words, are they alike in how they interact with you? It must cause you to feel as if they are the opposing team, while you, alone, try to satisfy their demands. It becomes too much. The W needs her H's loving support, even if means not agreeing with his family. ((hugs))

Do you feel your H is a bit of a control freak and/or a perfectionist?

Do you think your MIL has narcissist tendencies?

One night, I’d had enough of the questioning. I’d never had an affair and he knew that. But he could not give me any space. I then made a decision I regret: I asked for a separation. That night I slept in the basement and he loudly stomped around taking down all of our photos. I left with the kids the next morning and went to my mother’s house. He told me I was selfish. Since I left, there were numerous times I tried to patch it up. All to no avail. He was done. His mother is there all the time now and, obviously, she hates me.

Do you feel your MR would stand a much better chance if only your MIL would not interfere, make demands, and voice her criticism? You obviously love your H and want to reconcile. IMHO, if you return without having some personal boundaries and agreements in place, then the separation will have been in vain. I recommend you study the links/threads on the subject of boundaries. Boundaries are to protect your feelings, not control the other person. Agreements are like a contract, where you lay out the terms of reconciliation. and he agrees to respect, support and cooperate with those terms. If he won't agree, then you have a decision to make. Do you continue living under these old conditions, or do you call it quits and begin a new life?

You say you've tried to patch things up several time, to no avail. You started your thread by saying you feel it's hopeless, so what changed to make you want to patch things up? You are pursuing a man who didn't protect you, and apparently, is still not ready. Don't know what you said to try to patch it up, but I would give him plenty of time to live without you. Why return if his attitude hasn't changed? You made a move toward him and he's too deeply influenced by his mother, so back completely off. Don't be texting/calling him. Leave him alone. He's not ready to listen, much less agree to terms of reconciliation. Maybe he'll get sick of his mother being there all the time, talking in his ear about his W. If not, then do you seriously want to walk back into the same situation you left? If he loves you enough, he'll come after you, and he will work with you to have a better MR.