I don't think it has ever been quite as intense as what you describe with your H, but I do agree that the same underlying forces are at work. How much of all this does your H understand? Or is he simply working through this on his own, responding to the boundaries you set up?
At the time we were separated, nothing. I think each of us just thought the other was being entirely unreasonable and crazy (he thought that about me) or that they were being deliberately cruel and with-holding (I thought that about him).
When we get into that cycle now, it is much much less intense and we're a little bit better and just backing off and putting some air into the situation. He needs space, I need connection, and I still get a bit annoyed that we have to do SPACE (what he wants = space to be alone and safe from my feelings) before CONNECTION (what I want - evidence that he cares, that he understands, that he feels empathic towards me).
Sometimes I think - okay, I respect that you can't do connection right now, but why can't you understand that I can't do space right now? But that is the way that it is - that's how boundaries work - when he needs space there's not a thing I can or should do about it other than respect that, and he does make efforts to show empathy these days, which is new, and which I need to work on trusting and accepting.
I also understand something I didn't before - which is that my negative feelings have such a strong affect on him because he really, really loves me, he hates me being unhappy, and when I am unhappy his first thought is that he's done something wrong, and is to blame, and then he gets defensive and treats me as if I am blaming him. That's all on him, and it doesn't matter how many times I am telling him that me seeking closeness is not a criticism of him - it's just how he's made - and underneath the blame and lashing out is a heart that is very tender for me, and very vulnerable. I see that in a way I didn't before, when I could only see the lashing out and think what a monster he was (I still think that sometimes!!)
We have discussed this cycle explicitly. I think he does understand it in the same way as I do, and we are able to talk about it as 'here is this thing that happens' rather than 'here are the ways you let me down or don't do what I need in that moment' - taking the blame out of it is a new thing, and really really helpful.
And it still does happen, and when it does, a lot of the older intense feelings bubble up for me, and that's hard for me and for him. But I used to feel this white-hot rage at how CRUEL he was being, and now I am feeling something more along the lines of 'I wish he could give me what I need right now, and I see that he can't, and I feel awful about that but it isn't forever' and that feels much more bearable with and healthy.
