Well it's been eventful for you in my absence. You sound like you're doing well. You're navigating co-parenting really well. It does get easier with time and space, but co-parenting for everyone looks different. It's always valiant to continue to work towards your ideal version of that, but leave yourself room for it not always being so. ExH and I go through waves of doing well co-parenting and speaking about business only regarding our daughter. H's ex, baby mama, as we like to call her don't speak or cooperate at all unless there's a crisis, and in those instances I'm usually the one leading the parenting which always turns into a fight once we're through the crisis. Things change. People change and dealing with an unstable ex/co-parent is always an interesting ride.
Whoa boy, did you hit a nerve with me with the insecurity and childhood issues. ExH and H are deeply insecure people. I knew both were. ExH was at least aware he was insecure but didn't understand how it was manifesting in his relationship with me or anyone else. I spent so much time in that relationship being accused of being a WW that to this day I still don't fully regret cheating on him. I spent 7 years constantly having to prove my fidelity over and over and over. That no matter the holes on my end that led to my affair, I still 12 years later think a big aspect of my willingness to cross that line was that I spent 7 years being called horrible names related to my supposed infidelity. IMO what would really have been the difference if I actually was unfaithful and went for it. BTW the answer was nothing, nothing changed other than he actually started to realize I was not only capable of leaving him, but I could easily find someone who would treat me better.
And now present H oh boy, H's insecurity. H was living under the delusion he wasn't insecure until we started having R talks about the A when he was still prepared to leave me. The things he accused me of doing in the relationship obviously some truth was weaved in there and I owned and apologized for the things that were true, but the scenarios he created that never happened all surround the same thing. My intelligence and education. My H is wasted potential. He knows this. His family knows this. I know this. But he makes so much money doing what he does he's had no incentive to change paths. When he brought up imaginary scenarios about when I "belittled" him I flat out told him that those things never happened and even in a couple cases it was other people who were simply teasing him, but had nothing to do with what came out of my mouth. I then followed that up with, I'll own my mistakes, but I'm not apologizing for things that didn't happen or your insecurities. That's a you problem. As we're digging in now, he's acknowledging how that along with his mommy issues have kind of been hanging over our relationship and that he set me up to battle against things I didn't even know I had to contend with. He's accepted and is apologetic how hard he's made our entire relationship pitting me against his demons, expectations and other women (including his mom and daughter) from the get go.
To be honest looking back on all the WH stuff I've read through here and other places, that deep insecurity seems to be a really common thread. And it's a monster none of us have a chance of beating unless WHs are willing to work on themselves and own it.
You sound so clear headed and calm. While you sit in ponderance of your distance from R and that intact family idea, think long and hard about your peace, and how much growth you've had and are having. The thing that a learned about MR long before any of this is they only work if you're willing and able to grow together, even if that journey needs to be accomplished in a parallel fashion versus in tandem.
