Dealing with that rage...oh boy. Well I stand by a rage room for anyone reading this who has one that's operational though this mess. But given what you're working with May, I've had to give it some thought. Hiking alone and screaming in to the abyss. I've done that. Not now but in my youth. Running until my lungs feel like they are on fire thinking about all the horrible things that keep me up at night on my bad days. The writing and burning is a great idea, or writing and burying. The writing I think will give you some closure. The finality of destroying it in some fashion I think will help you to create a doorway, or gate, or chapter end for all of that. I think the ability just word vomit all that's been stirring this whole time is going to go a long way for you. The worst part of DBing is keeping so much in for so long to try to save yourself and your marriage. It's so hard to not want to just dump all of that pain, anger, frustration, and grief on to the WAS/WS. That's something I've been working with my IC on as well. Learning what is and isn't appropriate to say when these big feelings come up in waves and I feel like I'm drowning in it. For me it's a little more complex because I was trained to swallow this stuff from a young age. The only way I know how to advocate for myself is to first detach and then walk away with no going back. Making the choice to stay, and H's decision to turn back in to the marriage is a huge exercise for me to break my ingrained behavior. My fear with H turning back in is rooted in part in here.
Which brings us to the fear with leaning in that you asked. With hindsight I think I walked that parallel path the whole time. Early on because I knew he was convinced he was leaving. And he was. Later on because he wasn't sure if he was leaving. He wasn't. Then more recently because I wasn't sure he was staying or going or honestly if I was. Another piece in that was that I've spent so much of my life being loved when it was a convenience that I felt like he was leaning in because he was using me. I felt that his leaning is was only to fill his needs and none of mine, and I'm so, so tired of being that person. I'm so tired of being a security blanket for adults. I've been that my entire life, and as I near 40 I don't want that in any respect, as something that's happening in my life. His leaning in scared me because if it was genuine what did that mean for me? What kind of power in the situation would I have to give up to allow him back in? Is he going to be willing to do the work to get us to the other side of this? Is this going to happen all over again? Am I stupid? Am I naïve? Question after question of what it meant if I leaned back in with him. I still worry. I still hear those questions in my head. I probably will for a very long time. However, now I have the ability to remind myself that this is my choice. I can change my mind at anytime. I'm not a passive part of this relationship. I am not a passive participant in my own life. That falling in love, even if it's falling back in love is inherently risky. That these fears are no different than starting a new relationship or dating an ex again. That I always thought the risk was worth it before, and if love comes at the cost of risk that I'm willing to take that chance. That I have been over and over and over again no matter how much I've been hurt.
