RM, you are so popular with the LBH's! However, your insight is so valuable to us all. First of all, I wanted to acknowledge this:
Originally Posted by Rustymom
One universal theme I hear from WAWs is that being a wife and mother is hard. Really hard. I know a lot of guys don't want to hear this, but the amount of work that goes into it and the low level of recognition women often receive from their husbands is difficult. Especially when the kids are young. Your career suffers, your dreams get put on hold, your entire identity becomes being a support system for your husband and children. You tend to lose yourself. I'm not saying that men don't suffer too. But this is the woman's perspective. We usually tell our husbands repeatedly, but they just don't hear it. Resentment builds. If there is a critical, unsupportive family, you are trying to please both the husband and the family. This leads to burn out.
This really resonated with me. I am not a WAW, my H is the one who left (I am more active on the MLC board), but there is a common theme among the LBW's on this forum that perhaps were born from an apathy instigated by what you have just written. I recognize myself in what you wrote. Maybe I didn't physically leave the M, but there was a level of 'checking-out' due to the above that led H to have his own crisis within the M? So interesting, I am going to ponder this for a while.
And I had some thoughts about this:
Originally Posted by Rustymom
One thing I've considered doing is sending an apology letter to MIL for my part in the fight. Not with the agenda of reconciling with her son, but simply with the purpose of clearing the air and owning my actions.
Are you ready for this, truly, in your heart of hearts? Are you detached enough to deal with any and all outcomes of this interaction? Because although you state doing it for honorable reasons, I think deep down it is for still for fostering hope in R with H. What would you be doing right now if H was back in your home, you were happily on the path of M 2.0 and H had instigated some clear boundaries protecting your M from MIL. Would you still be reaching out to her with a letter of apology? I think you would let some time pass to see if the boundaries were working. You would be focussing on you, your M and your children.
Many of us write letters of apology (ie pretzeling ourselves to try to be back in the good graces) and regret it. Not all, of course, so you do what feels right for you. But I am not sure that you need another rejection or spew from her right now. Put your eggs in another basket. (Your own!)
And this?
Originally Posted by Rustymom
When he comes to pick up the kids he always looks so sad. But he wants this, so what more can I possibly do?
You continue to detach. If he is sincere, he will move mountains to get you back. He has done that before, so he doesn't need a map. In the meantime, you keep doing what you are doing. Use your previous experience of being detached to help you navigate back to that place.
Sorry you're here Rustymom, but it's nice to 'meet' you.
