A day at a time

[may22]

So now when the spinning starts - i imagine a giant red STOP sign. Then, these are some of the phrases i repeat to myself:

"You have been over this a thousand times."
"You cannot use logic if someone is being illogical."
"How does this thinking help me? Am i feeling better now?"

IW-- the "stop sign" imagery and self-talk helps. Thank you for sharing this! I remember reading about the stop-sign technique, but it didn't really work for me so far (my brain is like, don't tell me what to do!) but the reasoning piece added on makes a lot of sense to me. I know how you feel with the brain working overdrive, click click clicking away, trying to hit on the right logical answer. Turning it OFF is always a challenge for me.

My IC had me using self-talk when I'm triggered about my feelings, which has been helpful, but more along the lines of self-validation. I like this extension into what to do (or better yet, not do) -- think that will be really helpful for me.

Is there a way of you offering your H a bit of what he needs, even intermittently, and you also being able to get a bit of what you need from someone or something other than your husband? Would that make the loop you are in a bit less intense?

I think this idea of self-soothing for MYSELF is what I need to do... and when I can do that, I can also be more forgiving of H in the day-to-day. Zooming out to the 30,000 foot level helps me a lot too. This is what I've been trying to work on with my IC the last few weeks--I just haven't hit on the right solution that helps every time. I can do it sometimes... maybe most of the time... but then once or twice a week I can't and then proceed to dump all my emotional garbage on him, he pushes it right back onto me, and we are back to that same dynamic.

I don't think it has ever been quite as intense as what you describe with your H, but I do agree that the same underlying forces are at work. How much of all this does your H understand? Or is he simply working through this on his own, responding to the boundaries you set up?

I find it also helps to think of the worst case situation and realize that you will still be OK if that happens. The feelings overwhelming you in that moment won't matter when you're through this.

Yes, that is a big difference where I sit today than where I have been at any other point in the journey. As I said to WF above, I wonder a bit if holding onto that narrative in my head is holding me back a bit, though, from also allowing myself to reconnect with my H. (I wonder sometimes if part of me is pushing him away in these interactions specifically to see if he'll go.) What I'm coming to is along Sage's lines-- I need to really embrace that ok-ness deep into my bones, so that I take it with me wherever I go, no matter what happens. That is definitely a WIP. Right now I'm having a hard time holding the parallel futures in my head.

Newbie-- soooo good to hear from you and I'm really glad you're doing well! You might consider posting an update for folks, I know there are newbies who are really in the darkest hardest part right now and hearing a success story about how dropping the rope really worked would be helpful for them. (Also, when I get down I think about you saying AP is TOAST and it makes me smile )

KC-- I can forgive him, I know... I talked with my IC about this yesterday, both forgiveness and trust, and working through the gaslighting. I told her that my gut is still to trust him and it is actually my head that stops me and reminds me that maybe I'm being foolish. My natural instinct is to trust and to look for the good in people, including him. I just want to be cautious, this time around, and be sure I'm taking care of myself first and foremost.

Also, while I'm totally open to forgiving him, he's got to be actually sorry first. A few posts ago Alison asked me what I'm looking for from him, and I said a glimmer that he actually feels sorry and empathetic about how I'm feeling when this stuff comes up for me, not just angry that me bringing it up makes him feel bad or guilty or whatever. I just think we have a long ways to go here.

Darling Sage... I heart you so much, you know. Thank you for the poem and your thoughts. I feel such a connection to you, in how we both look at the world, that you sharing this with me is more helpful than you know. It feels like you've moved so quickly into this place of zen detachment (WF had that too... I'm so envious of both of you) ... now what, ten months since WF was in the roughest patch and four since you were there? What am I missing? Knowing you have reached the promised land makes me feel hopeful for myself. But I do feel a little left behind, watching so many friends here grow and move on and here I am (by choice, I know!).

And although it is a good start, I don't think detachment comes from ignoring H's jabs or your triggers. I think that detachment comes from a deep wellspring within YOU. Who are YOU, May? What do you love about yourself, what are you worthy of, what would you say to yourself if you were truly a friend to you? Can you separate your self-worth from your coupledom?

This is exactly where I spent time with my IC yesterday, along with this idea from Wayfarer:

And with that deal if you really want to give you two a shot at a future you have to assume some responsibility for that anger and sadness of your own. In they way it's not your job to heal him. To help him get over her. To hold his hand while he learns to forgive himself. It's not his job to sop up all of your anger and sadness no matter how much of it was his doing. The fact is he hasn't made you be angry. He hasn't made you sad. You gave him the permission to let him make you feel that way. And now where you're at, you're giving the ghost of AP permission to very strong feelings and a ton of energy she doesn't deserve. You're also given you're husband 2 years ago, 3 years ago, 1 year ago, a man who no longer actually exists a whole lot of permission to rob you of positivity, and happiness, and wide eyed faith that things always work out in the end. You've allowed the ghosts of people to steal your softness. Your anger and sadness are completely valid. But you can't allow ghosts to tie you to the past and let you drown in all the heaviness of that time. May, you don't have to let go of it all, but at some point here you do need to start letting go. You need to give your soul a chance to breathe. You're future is completely unwritten and totally within your control.

Taking back ownership of my own emotions and healing myself, rather than looking to him to help me. Getting to know myself again, not May the mom or May the wife or May the working professional or May the friend or May the daughter, but ME.

She thinks we're on parallel tracks right now, processing our grief-- his grief over the end of the A, my grief over what I've lost in my marriage and what that all means to me and what I had believed to be true about myself. And neither of us are in a place to help validate or process the other's grief, but until we each work through this we aren't in a place to meet as equals and partners and figure out how to build a new relationship.

For me-- she wants me to address that deep well of ugly, ugly rage inside of me this week. That the rage and the sadness are uncomfortable for me and until I really process those feelings and get through them, I'll stay stuck. I want to reclaim myself and not be angry or hard. I want to love and be loved and let go because that is so much more who I am than this anxious and protective person I am feeling during these triggering moments. I have an enormous amount of rage towards AP (who probably doesn't think of me at ALL, never has, so why I waste time here is mortifying) and once I get through that pile, towards H.

So... any ideas? No rage rooms in my town... I was thinking writing mean letters of all the horrible things I'd want to say to her and burning it? Voodoo dolls? I think some ritual will help me here, especially because I feel so uncomfortable acknowledging how the ugliness of the feelings inside of me.