A day at a time

[may22]

Oh Wayfarer, I've missed you!! I think of you a lot, you know. I swear when I'm having trouble I think to myself that I need to pull on my inner WF, put my big girl panties on, and move forward.

I really want to hear how things are going with you guys when you have a chance.

I've been thinking a lot about how you got thrown off when H leaned in and why I'm thinking that way now. I think you're totally right that I'm worried we're back where we were before, or that I'm going to start to lean in and open myself back up to getting hurt again. I feel like I'm holding on so fiercely to this "I'll be OK no matter what" and almost living parallel tracks, one where we are on the road to piecing and one where he might just get back in touch with AP tomorrow and then he's out. Or, a year from now he's not over her and I can't stand it anymore and I'm the one to leave. IDK. I can't yet let go of that parallel track, because I am scared to leave it behind in case I still need it.

I've been thinking, though, that maybe what got you through all of this is that you leaned on the "he's leaving" through all of this. You bought into that-- or at least it seemed like you did-- and having that as your expectation seemed like it really helped you to get through the worst of it-- but then it got hard again, in the opposite way, when he started leaning in and you realized OMG he isn't going anywhere after all. Am I interpreting that right? I felt like I did the opposite in the spring-- really believed we were on the path to piecing-- and so this time have been wanting to take a wait and see approach but not let myself be vulnerable. (WWWD, right?) How are you seeing this from where you are right now, looking back?

I'll respond more later... I want to talk about the anger part (I'm also remembering in the spring you were like, where's that anger, May? it is going to swamp you when it finally comes!) and letting go and avoiding R talks for now. I also want to respond to Sage, Kristin, Newbie (missed you!), KC, and Alison-- lots of thoughtful stuff to chew on and parallels to what you're saying. (Sorry I write books on all of this. It is cathartic for me.) i have some very specific assignments from my IC right now that I think are really in great alignment with what all of you are saying.

But I also want to note that I spend a lot of time here (also with my IC) on these conversations and the negative stuff, when it really is only a fraction of our interactions, especially over the past couple of weeks (once the alien went back in his hole). Most of the time, we are doing well, having fun, laughing at each other's stupid jokes. Watching shows together and drinking good beer or homemade cocktails, cooking, doing puzzles with the kids, freaking out about COVID and the election and all the rest. These $hitty conversations happen once or twice a week. And I probably get triggered a handful of times a day, which isn't fun. I *want* to take my power back from the ghost of AP and my H and have total control over my own feelings and happiness... but I'm just not there, yet.

xoxo M